


These Trials with Already Known Results

by SpenSoling



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Depression, Healing, M/M, Minor Swearing, Non-Explicit Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-17
Updated: 2016-03-17
Packaged: 2018-05-27 08:22:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6276835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpenSoling/pseuds/SpenSoling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I love you,” Jinyoung suddenly blurted out and it was as if everything melted down instantly. </p><p>Jaebum’s eyes snapped open and all he could do was stare blankly at his best friend and fight to breathe.  Jinyoung seemed to wince at his own words, like he hadn’t meant to blurt it out so bluntly and so suddenly, but Jaebum couldn’t even concentrate on anything at the moment.  </p><p>“What?” he choked out dumbly after a moment, unable to close his mouth and just letting it hang open in shock.</p><p>-</p><p>Long time best friends, Jaebum and Jinyoung were so close it was only a matter of time before they fell in love.  But when Jaebum confessed and Jinyoung rejected him, things got messy.  Jaebum is forced to pick up the pieces of his broken heart, but things don't get any better when Jinyoung starts to realize that he may  just love him back when Jaebum meets Jackson.</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Trials with Already Known Results

**Author's Note:**

  * For [polymaknaes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/polymaknaes/gifts).



> This story jumps around a lot. Segments written in parenthesis occurred in the past and are sort of like flashbacks. They are not in order. The rest of the text is in chronological order. For clarity, the segments have been numbered in the order that they occur using roman numerals.

_VI_

Jaebum kept glancing at the clock, knowing he had to get up and get moving but finding himself more and more unable to the longer he waited. It was still early, the only people already up and being productive were those who had to work or the poor unfortunate souls who couldn’t find the required class at a reasonable time. Jaebum himself knew that he would soon have to start getting up and being productive, be responsible and get himself ready for the day. But instead he lay in bed a little longer, staring out the window at the beautiful morning that seemed to mock him.

He could already hear the chaos from the other side of the closed door of his bedroom. In the bed opposite of his, pushed up against the wall of the narrow room, his roommate Youngjae slept peacefully and dead to the world, completely unaffected by the noise filtering in from beyond the door. The TV was playing way too loudly for this time in the morning, an intense shooting game of sorts judging by the sounds of gunfire and the frustrated yelling. They would probably get another noise complaint from the older woman directly below them whom Jaebum could only assume had supersonic hearing since it seemed as if they couldn’t even drop a pin without her hearing it and pitching some sort of fit. It was Jaebum’s name on the lease so he knew he should get up and go make them take it down a notch before they got him in trouble, but he really didn’t want to move, didn’t want to go out and have to face _him_ when it hurt so much. 

Jaebum closed his eyes and tried to breathe through the pain. 

 

 

_IV_

(“You know I love you right?” Jaebum forced out quietly, surprising himself at how calm and cool he sounded while internally he fought between feeling like he would combust if he held it in any longer or panicking over actually having to admit it and get it out there.

Jinyoung, oblivious to his plight, only laughed and nudged him playfully with his shoulder. His face was pleasantly flushed from the alcohol he had consumed, his eyes crinkling as he laughed cutely. Jaebum sat mesmerized by him, wondering how someone so handsome and kind could exist, let alone be a part of his life. How he ever got that lucky, he would never know.

“I love you too, hyung,” Jinyoung added lightly, airily like how you would say you loved your pet or close friend. It wasn’t how Jaebum had meant it, in the soul mate sort of way, the I love you so much it hurts sort of way, the crazy heart-pounding way that everything just makes sense when that special someone was around sort of way.

Suddenly needing him to understand, Jaebum reached out and grabbed Jinyoung’s wrist as he went to take another sip of his beer. Jinyoung looked away from where BamBam and Yugyeom were making a fool out of themselves, both completely drunk as they were celebrating finally being able to legally drink. His eyes widened in surprise from being grabbed so suddenly and the surprised expression on his face seemed to intensify when the younger man’s attention was focused fully on the unexpectedly serious expression on Jaebum’s. But Jaebum wanted the younger male to know that he was serious.

“No, Jinyoung, I really love you. I need you to know that,” he forced out, stopping himself from saying more. Stopping himself from letting those words, those toxic words filled with all the hurt and uncertainly that had been building in the last few months, from spilling out in a rush that he would no doubt regret tomorrow. He didn’t want to bring up Mark and how Jaebum had been sitting by idly and watching as the USA native got closer and closer to Jinyoung, torturing himself with jealous thoughts and insecurities.

But he needed Jinyoung to know now, before he and Mark crossed that line and Jaebum was left completely in the dust. He needed Jinyoung to know so that he would never have that doubt, always wondering what could have been if Jinyoung had only known about his feelings for him. He needed Jinyoung to know and make the choice, to pick him or Mark, so that he would know he at least tried. He needed to at least try before it was too late. And a part of him knew it was sort of selfish, to suddenly spring this on his best friend and put him through this when he obviously looked so happy with Mark. But the selfish part of him knew that he could make Jinyoung happy too, if only he got the chance.

Jinyoung stared at him in shock for a long moment, blinking slowly. Jaebum could see when Jinyoung’s bright, oh so intelligent eyes began to scan over his face, studying him like he was an open book. And somehow, after all the years they have spent together, the younger man somehow was indeed the only one to be able to truly read him as if he was one of those books that Jinyoung loved so much. He could read the older male so much better than anyone else, so much so that words weren’t even necessary most of the time. One strong look and it was as if Jinyoung knew exactly what was going on in Jaebum’s head, sometimes before he even knew it himself, and was able to give him exactly what he needed in that moment. With one glaring exception, of course, because Jaebum had honestly been head over heels in love for years now and yet Jinyoung didn’t seemed to have a clue.

“Jaebum-hyung,” Jinyoung forced out, his voice strained and his eyes still so wide with surprise. Jaebum’s breath got struck in his chest, frozen as he waited for Jinyoung’s answer.

And then Mark, the last person Jaebum wanted to see at the moment, came waltzing over. He sluggishly plopped down in the seat next to Jinyoung, brushing up against him as he leaned forward to rest his arms against the table, clearly on the wrong side of the line between drunk and tipsy. Jinyoung looked panicked for a moment, glancing back and forth between Mark and Jaebum in a way that would have been comical had the situation been different. Instead the moment felt ruined, and the answer that Jaebum was waiting for was left hanging in the air to torment him.

And when Jinyoung slowly untangled Jaebum’s grip on his wrist and pulled away it felt as if he had somehow got his answer.)

 

 

_VII_

Jaebum slowly climbed out of bed and braced himself before he opened the door, preparing himself for the inevitable pain. If it were up to him he would stay hidden in his room all day, but unfortunately he had to shower and make himself presentable for work. He actually had a fairly decent job, though it did require him to actually look nice and not like he was drowning in his own heartache and didn’t want to get out of his sweatpants. So he took a deep breath and opened the door, exiting into the chaos.

Technically, only three people lived in the dorm, but sometimes it seemed as if their little dorm had a revolving door. Jaebum had met Jinyoung in middle school, when Jinyoung’s family had moved into the city, and the two had been inseparable since. Naturally, they went to the same high school, then the same university as well, and decided to move into a small dorm that was within walking distance from campus. It wasn’t an overly nice place, describing the place as small was putting it nicely, and if Jaebum was completely honest the place had more faults than virtues, but both boys were students earning a merger living and it was all they could afford and it was a place they could call their own. Eventually, though, their merger living led them to getting another roommate, Youngjae, to lessen the burden. But with Youngjae came his friends, BamBam and Yugyeom, who quickly became fast friends with both Jaebum and Jinyoung as well, and soon the younger males spent more time sleeping on the floor of their living room than they did at their own homes.

With so many bodies in such a small space, and with huge personalities, their little dorm was always chaotic, from morning, noon, and night. Yugyeom was currently sprawled out on the floor; his lower half still entangled in blankets as he lay on his stomach and calmly pushed the buttons on the remote controller. BamBam, however, was shirtless and standing atop the small coffee table, making the thing practically vibrate against the ground as he rocked and thrashed around in time with his wild button smashing. Jaebum could already feel a headache coming on from how he was going to have to try and talk his way out of another complaint from the women below. If he didn’t walk away from this one without a report filed it was going to be a miracle.

“Morning, Hyung!” Yugyeom called pleasantly from the ground, giving a small wave and appearing completely at ease. Jaebum mumbled a reply before turning his attention to BamBam.

Jaebum grabbed the nearest pillow and whipped it at the young Thai boy, using more strength than was strictly necessary but it got the job done. The blow surprised the younger boy, breaking his concentration from the game as well as his balance, making him stumbled off the table than less gracefully. Immediately BamBam began to complain, shouting out a whiny “hyung” in protest over his ruined concentration as well as any progress he had made in the game.

“Don’t you dare complain to me,” Jaebum groused out, not caring enough to stick around and instead heading for the kitchen. “That isn’t a place to stand and you know it. And turn that down before you wake the whole neighborhood. Don’t make me tell you again,” he warned.

He stopped short on his way to the kitchen, barely hearing a tired chorus of agreements behind him or the volume of the TV being reduced. Instead he focused on Jinyoung, who sat the small table in their kitchen. He was still dressed in his pajamas, a mismatched t-shirt and a patterned pair of sleeping pants. He had on a pair of thick rimmed glasses, the ones Jaebum always thought made him look really cute, and his dark hair was mussed from his sleep. A warm cup of coffee sat in his hand, slowly cooling as he focused on the open book resting on the table, ignoring everything around him and engrossing himself in whatever world the book entrapped him in instead.

But as if sensing his presence Jinyoung glanced up from his book and gave a warm smile, one that made Jaebum heart speed up a few notches and his palms to sweat. It was almost torture, the warring emotions he felt every time Jinyoung did something so simple as smile at him. On the one hand he was foolishly in love that a simple smile warmed his heart and filled him with butterflies. On the other those butterflies seemed to aggravate his stomach until it was twisting uncomfortably, no doubt following the cue of his heart that felt as if Jinyoung had a vice grip on it and was slowly twisting and squeezing it. It was very much like torture, to have these wonderful emotions every time he was close to his best friend but knowing that he could never do anything about them. This utter heartbreak he felt at having all these emotions and having to bottle them up so tightly he felt as if he was going to burst with every smile, glance, or word.

But Jaebum was trying to get over it, was over it or so he told Jinyoung. He didn’t want Jinyoung to keep looking at him like he was a wounded animal, treating him like he was made of glass. So he got really good at hiding his emotions and pretending like he was over it, even if he wasn’t. But Jinyoung didn’t need to know that.

So instead Jaebum ignored the pain in his heart and gestured towards the living room as he stepped fully into the kitchen and grabbed the large bottle of drinking water from the fridge. “You didn’t think to tell them to keep it down a little?” he asked before drinking straight from the bottle.

Jinyoung slid an empty mug across the table towards Jaebum with a shrug. He was already looking away and refocusing on his book. “Boys will be boys,” he muttered dismissively, even giving a flippant flick of the wrist.

Jinyoung was always the indulgent one, the one to let the boys get away with everything as long as they weren’t getting into major trouble or touching his stuff. In fact, Jinyoung was the one who okayed BamBam and Yugyeom practically moving in with them while Jaebum had been the one to voice concerns about money and space issues. It’s not to say that Jaebum didn’t love the younger duo, he did, they grew on him really quickly that they indeed did feel like younger brothers he never had. But Jaebum did have more at stake than Jinyoung, even if it was only a matter of time before he gave into the puppy dog eyes from the two maknaes and Jinyoung’s urgings. Of course, Jinyoung wasn’t the one who had to start working more hours so they could have more food around the dorm to feed two additional mouths since he only had a low-paying job at the campus library while Jaebum actually had a fairly decent job. He wasn’t the one whose name was on the lease so he wasn’t the one to have to deal with the unhappy neighbors or have to try and appease the building landlady. He wasn’t the one whose name and pocketbook was going to be tarnished if a report is filed against him. So Jaebum tended to be the one to discipline the youngsters, to try and keep them in line a little while Jinyoung let them roam free.

But in a lot of ways they were always like this, opposite ends of the spectrum at all times. Jaebum had always come off as cold and guarded while Jinyoung always seemed so warm and open to people. Jinyoung was the kind indulgent one, the self-proclaimed “mother” of their little mixed matched group while Jaebum was stricter, the disciplinary figure in their dorm. Jinyoung made friends easily but they didn’t tend to be super close to him while Jaebum was very standoffish to the point that he didn’t have many people he could call his friend but those he did were exceptionally close to him. Jaebum felt that if Jinyoung was the light in a room, he was the darkness. Especially recently, with how much it hurt to wake up each morning and watch the one he loved with someone else, Jaebum felt as if there was darkness in his soul that was slowly eating away at him.

Jaebum took another large gulp from the water bottle, ignoring the mug Jinyoung had pushed towards him out of spite since he was annoyed. Jinyoung didn’t seem to notice, however, totally enraptured by the words in front of him. That is until the doorbell rang, the same musical chime that constantly filled Jaebum with dread since it seemed as if no one who ever visited them came with intentions that would make him feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. Dread filled his gut for a moment, frozen for a moment thinking it was an angry neighbor with the landlady, until he heard the familiar sounds of the buttons being pressed as someone punched in the code to unlock the door. Jinyoung’s head snapped up at the sound and he closed his book quickly, getting up to go greet the person at the door. Jaebum kept his face carefully blank while he internally lamented his fate, knowing there was only one other person who knew the code to their dorm.

Jaebum was retreating to his room to grab fresh clothes for his shower as Mark entered, greeting everyone kindly. Jaebum wanted to hate Mark, really he did, but it was hard. The two had actually met in class and was paired up for a group project and Jaebum had made fast friends with the exchange student. He was a little on the quiet side most of the time, but he was genuinely a great guy. He was kind, handsome, talented, and smart. He was loyal too, and funny as well even if he didn’t try to take over the room and make everyone laugh. It really was no surprise that Jinyoung fell for him, and he for Jinyoung, but it didn’t hurt Jaebum any less or make him any less bitter over the fact that he had actually been the one to introduce them.

Jaebum said a hurried hello as he made his way to the bathroom, pretending to be in a bigger hurry than he actually was so that he would have an excuse not to hang around and chat. He showered quickly and took the time to part and style his hair since it was starting to get a little long. He had brought his uniform into the bathroom with him, using the steam from his shower to de-wrinkle his shirt, so he quickly changed into that. Stepping out of the bathroom, Jaebum felt Jinyoung’s stare on him, his eyes raking over the sleek line of his body. Jinyoung had said on several occasions just how much he loved seeing him in his uniform because of how trim the black button down shirt and black dress slacks made him look while also accentuating how broad his shoulders were. Jaebum paused long enough for Jinyoung to meet his gaze, after the younger man had finished devouring him with his eyes, making note of the pinkish tint in the younger man’s cheeks. Jaebum turned away quickly and made his way towards his room, ignoring Jinyoung’s gaze still on him and how wildly his heart was beating because of it. Try as he might he couldn’t ignore how Mark sat directly next to Jinyoung on the couch, laughing with the maknaes blissfully unaware.

Youngjae was finally waking up as Jaebum moved about their cramped room, gathering his things and doing his usual last minute things before he had to leave. Youngjae muttered a sleepy “good morning” as Jaebum sprayed some cologne and then grabbed his jacket. Throwing his backpack over his shoulder, he exited the room and went straight for the door, pausing only to shove a pair of old sneakers on and tossing a wave over his shoulder as he exited the small dorm without looking back at the chorus of goodbyes behind him. The elevator in the building was unfortunately broken so he had to take the stairs, propelling himself down the stairs faster when he heard a door opening as he was passing through the floor below his, not wanting to get caught by the angry older woman who always seemed to know when he was going to be on the stairs so she can yell at him.

Jaebum had to take a crowded bus to work, where there was never an open seat and he spent the entire ride being jostled by strangers. Jaebum worked at a restaurant in an Westernised hotel, a job he landed with difficulty. He had originally been hired as a cook, and would sometimes fill in when another cook called off and he was needed, but the hotel manager had eventually decided he was just “too good looking to waste away in the kitchen where no one could see him” and had been crossed trained to be a server. He was making decent money, nothing grand to write home about but enough to get them through when he picked up more shifts. It wasn’t exactly the greatest job; his parents didn’t brag to all of their friends about him working at a restaurant, it wasn’t one of those corporation jobs everyone sought and people tended to look down on him when he did mention it. But it allowed him to keep the little dorm he shared with Jinyoung, allowed him to stay close to him even when it hurt so much. Because while it hurt to see him everyday, to see how perfectly fine he was without him and to know that while Jinyoung did have feelings for him it just wasn’t enough, Jaebum knew he wasn’t ready to leave either. Try as he might, he deeply believed it would actually hurt more to walk away, for both him and Jinyoung.

Jaebum went in through the backdoor and went straight to the employee locker room. He had changed out of his old sneakers and into a more work appropriate pair and was putting on his black tie when one of the restaurant managers entered the room with a young man with a shock of platinum blond hair. The young man was wearing the same uniform as Jaebum, accentuation his muscled athletic body. He was handsome, Jaebum couldn’t help but notice, but in a more manly way than Jinyoung was. Jinyoung had delicate Korean features, while this man’s features neither were exactly delicate nor overly sharp either, an interesting mix of soft and masculine but also something very foreign as well.

“Im Jaebum, I want you to meet someone,” the manager started as soon as they came to a stop in front of him. He pat young man on the shoulder affectionately. “This is our new hire, Jackson Wang. I want you to train him, show him the ropes. Take good care of him.”

Jackson, with his almost too big eyes and an impossibly warm smile, reached out and took Jaebum’s hand in both of his, giving it a little shake. “It’s nice to meet you,” he said with a foreign accent, momentarily distracting Jaebum. Jaebum also couldn’t help but notice that his tone was cheery and bright in a way Jaebum was sure he never once had been in his own life. For a moment it was as if he was so bright that the room seemed brighter just by having him in it.

Jaebum stared at him for a long moment, not sure what to make of the man in front of him, before he glanced down where Jackson still held his hand. A part of him wanted to pull away, this was a stranger suddenly touching him after all and Jaebum was nothing but a little guarded and cold with people. But he didn’t pull away, finding himself almost unable to. Jackson’s hands were warm to the touch and Jaebum found himself oddly fixated on this fact, letting the heat from Jackson’s touch warm him if even for a moment.

And when Jaebum looked back up at Jackson’s face the young man was still smiling at him, still holding his hand in his, and still illuminating the room with cheeriness Jaebum couldn’t even begin to describe.

He didn’t pull away.

 

  

_III_

(“Jaebum-hyung, come and sleep with me,” Jinyoung slurred slightly, pulling at Jaebum’s sleeve.

Jaebum laughed at his friend, shaking his head slowly and taking another sip from his beer. It was warm now, no longer chilled after the two had been sitting there for a few hours now, slowly drinking and eating the first meal in their new dorm together. It wasn’t anything grand, just take-out from the chicken place down the street, but after hours of moving in their boxes and unpacking it felt nice to share their first meal together as adults finally out of their parents’ houses. The beers had been a nice addition to the meal, and while it wasn’t nearly enough to get them both drunk it left both boys feeling pleasantly buzzed, feeling lighter and warmed without being sloppy and out of their mind.

“And why exactly would I do that when I have my own room?” Jaebum questioned.

Jinyoung shrugged cutely, stealing the beer can straight from Jaebum’s hand and downing the rest of it in one gulp. He wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand and then refocused. “It’s our first night away from home. I just think I’ll sleep better if you’re there with me. It’ll only be for tonight, I promise.”

Jaebum wanted to say no, he had been nursing this crush on Jinyoung for a while now, and cuddling up with him just felt dangerous. The two used to do it all the time, young boys who used to have sleepovers and shared a cushion on the floor. They stopped doing that around the time puberty hit and they really started to grow and mature, saving themselves both the awkward mornings when they woke up a little on the “excited” side. It was also around that time that Jaebum started to realize he did in fact have feelings for his best friend and it hadn’t felt right to continue on like nothing had changed. But with how Jinyoung was looking at him, with those innocent pleading eyes, Jaebum knew he would do anything for him. And the bright smile Jinyoung rewarded him with was more than enough, even if it made his heart beat faster.

Jinyoung didn’t bother putting away any of the food, something that normally would drive the clean-freak part of Jaebum mad. Instead he allowed himself to be dragged into Jinyoung’s room, so focused on the other boy he couldn’t even care they had left a mess. Jinyoung’s room was small, barely a room at all if they were both completely honest, probably designed with the purpose of being a large closet or small storage room. But the dorm had been advertised as a two bedroom, probably to make the dorm look more appealing when the building started to decay and fall on the wayside. Jinyoung didn’t seem to mind the small room, saying that he didn’t need a whole lot of space anyways and he was more than comfortable there. Jaebum suspected he had volunteered to have the smaller room because they both sort of already knew that they would eventually need another roommate, who would have to share the bigger room, and Jinyoung wanted a room to himself. If Jaebum didn’t have a huge crush on him he probably would have put up a bigger fuss over this, but like always he craved under Jinyoung’s will and silently accepted the fact that he would probably be sharing a room with a stranger soon.

Jinyoung hadn’t really started unpacking yet, his room being a mess of stacked boxes and a mattress shoved in the corner of the room. Thankfully Jinyoung had thought ahead and had unpacked his sheets and bedding. As soon as they entered the room Jinyoung closed the door behind them and began to strip out of his clothes. Jaebum hesitated, looking around and knowing he wouldn’t be able to fit easily into Jinyoung’s clothes since he was bigger than his best friend.

“I should go try and find the box with my pajamas,” he muttered after a moment but Jinyoung was reaching for him before he could even take a step.

“It’s fine. I don’t know where mine is at the moment either. We can just sleep in our underwear.” Jinyoung had already stripped himself of his pants and was crawling into the bed, tugging at Jaebum’s shirt as he moved.

Jaebum felt butterflies flutter in his stomach and he fought to ignore it while he slowly and almost mindlessly stripped off his pants. He kept his t-shirt on, like Jinyoung had left his long-sleeved shirt on, and slowly climbed into the narrow space on the mattress his best friend had left him. The bed wasn’t nearly big enough for the both of them to sleep comfortably; they would have to be practically on top of one another. Not that Jinyoung seemed to mind because as soon as Jaebum reached up and shut off the light he felt Jinyoung’s warm body mold against his. Jinyoung’s head settled under Jaebum’s chin, his hand fisting the fabric of Jaebum’s shirt, and their legs naturally intertwining.

Jaebum desperately hoped Jinyoung couldn’t feel how fast his heart was beating. He was hyperaware of every inch of his body and how Jinyoung was draped over him. His body was overly tense as well, not able to relax under the sudden onslaught of traitorous emotions currently wreaking havoc over him having Jinyoung so close. It was like a whole new form of torture, having the one you liked so close and yet knowing that it was supposed to be completely platonic. His body was betraying him in the worst way, overreacting and refusing to relax so he couldn’t even try and pretend if he wanted to.

And then Jinyoung was shifting and if it were possible for Jaebum to tense any more he did. Everything seemed to move in slow motion as Jinyoung shifted until he was practically lying atop of Jaebum. His body was flush against the older boy’s but with hardly any actual weight pushing down on him, hovering on top of him with just enough force to let him feel him completely, telling Jaebum that whatever Jinyoung was doing was deliberate and not just him trying to get comfy. Jaebum lay there frozen, not sure exactly sure what his best friend was doing and feeling utterly lost in how he should respond. And then, through the darkness, Jaebum felt lips tentatively brush against his chin, completely missing his mouth but still a kiss nonetheless.

Automatically Jaebum’s hand, which had awkwardly been at his side as to not touch Jinyoung more than was necessary, shot out and gripped the slighter man’s waist. Whether to hold or push Jinyoung back or just having something to brace himself on, Jaebum honestly wasn’t sure but he found his hand instantly moving there. In response Jinyoung seemed to freeze, probably waiting to see if he would push him away, and after several long torturous seconds where they both waited on bated breath for the other to make some sort of move to stop this, Jinyoung pushed forward and tried again.

This time Jinyoung did find Jaebum’s lips, giving him a slow almost chaste kiss. He pulled back even slower, not moving away fully but hesitating. Jaebum could still feel Jinyoung’s breath against his face, letting the older one know that Jinyoung hadn’t pulled back very far but was waiting for some sort of signal as to whether he should ease off or go forward once more.

Jaebum very suddenly knew that this was it; this was his only moment to finally cross that line. He hadn’t even known that Jinyoung felt the same way as he did, he didn’t know that he wasn’t the only one looking at his best friend and seeing someone other than just a good friend. And he knew that if didn’t take advantage of this moment then it would never come around again. If Jaebum pushed Jinyoung away now, while their friendship would undoubtedly survive, things would be different between them. And while this would also forever change things, it would be a direction that he didn’t really think was possible. It would be in a way that he had only dreamed about in secret. He couldn’t let this chance slip by.

“Come here,” he found himself saying, already tightening his grip on Jinyoung and surging forward to capture lips hovering above his.

This kiss was different from the one Jinyoung had initiated. This wasn’t a tentative kiss to see if they would be reciprocated, this was a desperate kiss filled with all the pent up emotions Jaebum had been dying to get out. The kiss was heated and powerful, a little messy and lacking in the grace department, but it was still better than Jaebum had ever dreamed about. Lips moved and meshed together until he was dragging his tongue against Jinyoung’s, trying to gain access and letting out a moan when Jinyoung easily allowed it.

Jaebum lost himself in the kiss, immersing himself completely in Jinyoung and the feelings he evoked in him. They broke apart a few times, gasping for air and then going back for more without hesitation. At some point Jinyoung had rested his weight on him, pushing his pelvis against Jaebum’s and making things much more heated than they already were. Jaebum could feel every inch of Jinyoung’s need between them and he knew Jinyoung could feel his. He shifted them, sitting up and pulling Jinyoung into his lap, Jinyoung’s knees locking around his waist while their lips and tongues danced.

“Jaebum-hyung,” Jinyoung panted out between kisses, a distinct whine in his tone, begging for something.

He clawed at Jaebum’s shirt and the older easily wrestled himself out of it without question. And as soon as Jaebum’s shirt was tossed away it was like a flip was switched and soon they were both scrambling to get out of the rest of their clothes. They fumbled through the darkness, rutting against in other in wild abandon. Neither boy had lube or condoms and, while both had dated girls and lost their virginities in high school, they were inexperienced in sex with other men. They stumbled at first, not quite sure where to put their hands, using spit and pre-cum as lube and trying to make due, but eventually they found a rhythm together. Eventually they lost themselves in each other, communicating only in pants and moans, in grunts and groans, hands roaming and hips thrusting to meet each other. Time melted away and everything else faded away until it was just the two of them, in that moment really feeling something.

Or, at least Jaebum was really feeling something.

Because as Jinyoung smiled at him over rice and soup the next morning Jaebum found himself questioning everything. Jinyoung laughed, seeming way too relaxed and cheery, like Jaebum had felt when he had woken up. They way anyone who just had mind-blowing sex the night before was. But now all Jaebum was doing was trying to fight the sudden onslaught of nausea the sinking feeling in his gut caused. He fought to keep his cool, trying not to look as affected as he truly was when while Jinyoung dismissed everything they did last night as two friends relieving stress.

“I’m glad that we can do this without it affecting our friendship,” Jinyoung said before taking a sip of his water, smiling at him like he hadn’t just dealt a crushing blow to his best friend.

Jaebum swallowed thickly and toyed with his food, no longer hungry. “Yeah, me too,” he lied.)

 

 

_VIII_

Jaebum sighed and let the hot warm run down his body, washing away the last of the suds and relaxing his tense muscles. The bathroom was probably the only place in the entire dorm that you could actually get some peace and quiet but Jaebum knew he couldn’t stay in there forever. He had already been in there much longer than he needed to be, basking in the fact that he got in before anyone else and got a hot shower which was a rarity. But it was about mid-semester now, and since Jaebum had to cut down on the number of classes he could take so he could actually pay for the classes and the dorm, he was sure to always be on time and actually attend his class and put in as much effort as possible.

Jaebum was mentally preparing himself to actually get out of the shower so he could get ready for class when he heard a brief knock on the bathroom door and then the door was being pushed open. Jaebum froze behind the frosted glass of the shower stall, cursing his habit of leaving the door unlocked.

“Hey, I have to brush my teeth. Don’t mind me,” he heard a familiar voice say. Jaebum stared at the blurry shape of Jackson’s form on the other side of the glass, standing at the sink and seeming to be hunting around for something. “Which one is your toothbrush? Is it the red one or the blue?”

Jackson Wang was a handful, to put it simply. Jaebum had been the one to train him at work, the one who was supposed to show him around and make him feel comfortable. What he didn’t expect, however, was for that hyung-like relationship he had with Jackson to extend past simple co-workers but it did. Jackson fit himself into his life easily and like a whirlwind, with his seemingly endless energy and his loud and affectionately warm personality. The younger Hong Kong native was just lovable in every sense of the word, and had this innate ability to befriend anyone and yet somehow he just ended up as, of all people, Jaebum’s near constant companion since nearly the very first day they met. They were together at work, at school since Jackson coincidently transferred there shortly before starting work, and even at the dorm where Jackson liked to hang out if he wasn’t busy with other friends or with fencing practice. Jackson was this lovable character who could make friends with anyone and Jaebum, despite the fact that he was usually guarded around new people, had found his own social circle slowly opening up as Jackson introduced him to different people. It was an odd friendship, one Jaebum never expected, but a surprisingly good one that Jaebum was extremely grateful for.

Jaebum, forgetting any sort of embarrassment at being naked, immediately opened the shower stall to poke his head out and glare at Jackson. “Do not use my toothbrush.”

Jackson merely stared back at him coolly. “I can’t, I don’t know which one is yours. How can I use it if I don’t know which one it is?” he questioned back, blinking back at Jaebum like he was the weird one. “But I do need to use it so, seriously, which one is it?”

Jaebum eased back, shutting off the water and grabbing a towel. Wrapping it around his waist, he stepped out of the stall and joined Jackson at the sink. “You aren’t using my toothbrush.”

He was met with immediate protest. “Hyung, please! I have my presentation today and how can I stand in front of a room of our peers and our esteemed professor with food in my teeth?”

Jaebum rolled his eyes, gripping his towel and adjusting it momentarily to be sure it didn’t fall when he started digging around the cabinet above the sink. “First of all,” he started while he rooted around, “you don’t have anything in your teeth so I don’t know why you are freaking out. Second, even if you did you would still be disgusting if you used someone’s toothbrush. I don’t care how close you are with someone, some things you just don’t share. And three, here, you freak, I have an extra toothbrush. This one can be yours,” Jaebum said, handing his friend a still packaged green toothbrush.

Jackson let out a squeal and clung to Jaebum momentarily, not even caring that he was hugging a naked man. Of course, this was when a gentle knock was heard on the bathroom door and the door was then being eased open once more. Jaebum froze, internally chastising himself for the second time for not locking the door, panic setting in as Jinyoung poked his head in. He had a soft smile on his face that immediately stilled and then slowly dropped as the sight in front of him registered. Jinyoung blinked a couple times, looking between them with a sort of unsettled look on his face.

Since forming this friendship with Jackson, Jaebum had been getting a lot of these sorts of looks from Jinyoung. At first, Jaebum didn’t think anything of it. Jackson, by nature, was an affectionate person and even Jaebum, who skinship did not come easily too unless he was particularly close to someone and in a certain mood, was helpless against the Wang Puppy, a nickname the group had affectionately dubbed him with as they easily accepted him into their little niche. Jackson liked to drape himself on practically everyone, including Jinyoung as well, though Jaebum did admit Jackson seemed particularly fond of using Jaebum as his own personal tree to hang off of. And Jaebum, maybe abnormally attuned to Jinyoung more than he really should be considering he was supposed to be trying to get over him, had noticed that every time Jackson got a little on the touchy side Jinyoung would give them a certain kind of look.

It was definitely an unsettled look, sometimes with this scrunched up displeased edge to it like he had just bit into something bitter. He would give them this look, sometimes his gaze would meet Jaebum’s and other times they didn’t, but then he would seem to draw in on himself. He would get quiet and moody, in varying degrees depending on the situation. Sometimes he could shake himself out of it after a little, maybe from some prompting by Mark or one of the maknaes, but other times the mood lasted until he would call it a night or go get food or something of that kind, distancing himself from the group. And each time, whether he could shake himself out of the mood or not or whether he met Jaebum’s gaze or not, Jaebum would always feel bad, like he was betraying his friend somehow.

Which was silly, of course, for a variety of reasons, one including the fact that Jaebum had no obligation to Jinyoung, seeing as his best friend had chosen Mark instead of him. And of course because Jaebum was still very much in love with Jinyoung still . . . even if it did hurt a little less with each day he spent with Jackson, this ball of sunshine and infectious energy . . .

Jaebum tried not to look guilty as he reached for his toothbrush, ignoring Jackson’s comment about it -“So it was the red one, I knew it.”- and tried to act casual as he turned to face Jinyoung more fully, successfully getting Jackson to let go after he passed him the toothpaste. “What’s up?” he asked his best friend.

Jinyoung seemed to hesitate for a moment, glancing back and forth between them for a moment. Both boys were now actively brushing their teeth at the sink, standing side by side with Jackson focused on himself in the mirror while Jaebum tried to keep his attention on Jinyoung while also very grossly aware that he still very naked and close enough to Jackson to feel his warmth. It was an oddly domestic feeling and it was also almost too distracting, making his anxiety bubble in his stomach as he focused on Jinyoung and that familiar look that made the anxiety that much worse.

“I actually just wanted to know if you wanted to go out tonight with me? You’ve been so busy lately we haven’t really hung out in a while,” Jinyoung said slowly, quietly and glancing at Jackson every once and awhile as he spoke.

Jaebum spit out the mouthful of toothpaste slowly and then turned back to Jinyoung. His teeth worried his bottom lip before a moment before he spoke. “I had already made plans with Jackson. We are going out to celebrate Jackson’s presentation today.” It went without saying that Jaebum had the utmost faith in the Hong Kong native was going to exceptionally well on it, even if Jackson himself was really nervous about it.

Jackson eagerly nodded and was mindful enough to spit out his toothpaste before he began to speak. “But you can come with! It was just gonna be the two of us but it’s not a big deal to make it a bigger outing. Let’s invite everyone,” he said, already moving towards the door. He nudged up close to Jinyoung, sticking his head out the narrow doorway and shouting out towards the living room. “Dinner and drinks on Jaebum-hyung tonight, who’s in?”

His statement was met with immediate cheers from the living room, the maknaes always willing to go out, especially if it’s on someone else’s dollar. BamBam in particular was known for this as he had a habit of “forgetting his wallet” when he went out with others. Inversely, inside the bathroom Jackson’s statement was met with protest. Jaebum growled out a “yah,” as he grabbed at the back of Jackson’s neck, pulling him back into the small room.

“Quit spending my money,” he growled, trying to hold onto the halfhearted anger while Jackson cowered and pretended to look innocent.

“Relax, hyung, you were going to buy me a couple rounds anyways. You get the first one and I’ll get the rest. Plus, I’m sure you want to buy a round for Jinyoungie too, right?”

Jaebum scowled but relented and released Jackson, turning back to Jinyoung who was eerily silent as he watched them intently. His expression was closed off again, sort of like that familiar look but somehow muted, but it shifted when the attention was brought back to him. He slowly unthawed, making eye contact with Jaebum for a long moment, communicating something to Jaebum that the older man didn’t quite understand but somehow felt he maybe should have been able to. It unsettled him a little to look at his best friend-whom he used to be able to read like a book, who he used to be able to communicate deep conversation without actual words-and be unable to understand exactly what he was feeling.

Time had changed their relationship, mostly for the better and they knew each other inside and out before they eventually expanded their relationship until they knew each other’s bodies as well. But for the first time, looking at Jinyoung stare back at him almost as if he was testing him and he was very possibly failing, Jaebum was starting to realize that maybe that wasn’t the case anymore. That maybe time, and the different people coming in and out of their lives, had started to change their relationship in a different way, like they were taking a step back instead of moving forward. That maybe Jaebum’s confession and Jinyoung’s choice had somehow damaged their relationship more than burdened awkwardness like he had initially thought.

Jinyoung held his gaze for a long moment before he turned back to smile at Jackson, somewhat hollowly but mostly so convincing that most people didn’t even realize and Jaebum could only tell because he knew Jinyoung so well. He nodded and glanced back at Jaebum once more before he spoke. “Yeah, Hyung, you haven’t treated me in awhile,” he encouraged, very naturally teaming up with Jackson against Jaebum.

But the two ganging up against him couldn’t even bother Jaebum because all Jaebum could focus on was that Jinyoung had finally confirmed in a roundabout way that he was going to be joining them on their outing tonight. It was true that Jaebum and Jinyoung hadn’t had a lot of time to hang out recently. When Jinyoung chose Mark over Jaebum, it had stung enough that Jaebum had distanced himself from the two, unable to stand being in the same room with them being all touchy and sickeningly sweet. And then Jackson started hanging around and occupying Jaebum’s time, distracting him from his heartache and allowing him to start to feel somewhat normal instead of broken after Jinyoung had stomped over his heart. And it felt good to be with Jackson, to be able to relax and actually laugh and have a good time without having to worry about hiding his longing behind a smile, so Jaebum had somewhat distanced himself even more while chasing after that good feeling. But, maybe because he was a glutton for pain, because he was still so far from being over Jinyoung despite all the pain and knowing that his best friend would not choose him, Jaebum still instantly found himself with nervous happy energy bubbling up inside him at the prospect of being able to hang out with Jinyoung tonight.

“So you’ll join us then?” he asked before inwardly cursing himself for sounding so pathetic, his question coming out sounding breathy and desperate rather than cool and indifferent like he had hoped to come across as.

But Jinyoung only smiled at Jaebum, somehow seemingly pleased by Jaebum’s emotional error, and nodded his head. “Yeah, I’ll be there.” Jaebum couldn’t help the bright smile that broke out on his face in response.

Unfortunately they couldn’t linger much longer, as Jaebum’s and Jackson’s class was going to be starting soon and the Hong Kong native really didn’t want to be late for his presentation. Having wasted so much time, Jaebum had to dress simply and shove a hat on his head before the two were rushing out the door. Predictably, Jackson did phenomenally on his presentation, the many hours he spent working on it and practicing in front of Jaebum paying off. Jackson was practically bursting with happy and prideful energy for the rest of the day so when the evening finally rolled around and it was time for the group to meet up Jackson was more than ready to have some fun.

They met at a small hole in the wall shop near their small dorm. The place was small and never too crowded though it did get enough traffic through there from regulars to keep it afloat. The beer was good for how cheap it was, the soju plentiful, and the food there surprisingly good for a student on a budget. The maknae line was already there when Jackson and Jaebum arrived, already sitting at one of the larger tables near the back talking about what food to get. Usually, when they did go out, they stuck to the simpler dishes since it was cheaper yet still very good but the place did offer some better quality meat if you were willing to pay for it. And while it did hurt a little to see all the money Jaebum worked so hard to get disappear so quickly it was worth it to see just how happy Jackson had gotten when Jaebum splurged and ordered a couple portions of the best meat.

The younger boys seemed to be just as overjoyed as Jackson, Youngjae and BamBam immediately throwing their arms over the other’s shoulders and singing an impromptu meat song to celebrate the news, swaying to the beat of their made up song. Jackson tried to do the same thing, practically jumping on Jaebum to try to force him to sway along on the other side of the table, singing loudly and making up the lyrics as they went. This was how Jinyoung found them as he entered, dragging Mark along after both of their classes ended. BamBam, as soon as he spotted the couple entering, yelled out and beckoned them other, already excitedly telling them about the meat before they even had their coats off and sat down.

Jinyoung glanced at Jaebum as he settled in on Jaebum’s immediate left, nearly smashed against Jaebum’s side since Mark took the seat on the other side of Jinyoung and they now had four boys squished on one side of the table. Jaebum scooted over a bit to make room for the two newcomers, leaning a little more into Jackson’s space since Jackson didn’t even seem to know much about personal space and would no doubt spend half the night all over Jaebum anyways. Jackson, of course, took the movement in stride just as the older knew he would, scooting over towards the very edge of the table and actually pulling Jaebum closer to allow Mark and Jinyoung more space.

“Wow, Jaebum-hyung, you’re really splurging. I didn’t know it was that big of an occasion tonight,” Jinyoung muttered softly, glancing at Jaebum with another odd look on his face.

Jaebum, mildly alarmed by the look but unable to decipher what it meant, tried to brush it off with a shrug. “Well, Jackson worked really hard all semester on this presentation. I just thought he deserved something nice as reward.”

“Aw!” Jackson let out in a high pitch squeal, practically climbing into Jaebum’s lap while he pulled his hyung into a one-armed hug. “Hyung, you’re the best!”

Jaebum just laughed, ignoring how Jinyoung turned away from them and refused to look at him for the next few minutes by hiding behind his phone. Guilt tore at Jaebum, like he had somehow said the wrong thing and upset Jinyoung, but with Jackson clinging to him and capturing his attention the older boy tried not to let it get to him.

But soon the food arrived and drinks were poured and even Jinyoung’s silence didn’t last long. The maknaes, already amped up by the prospect of free booze and food along with good company, were further fueled by Jackson’s happy energy, resulting in loud comical hysteria the entire night. It was controlled chaos, one person getting too amped up and a little over the top only to be reined in by Jinyoung and Jaebum, sometimes Mark as well. The mood was jovial, laughter and voices loud, jokes aplenty and seemingly the perfect night.

At some point during the night Jackson had practically crawled into Jaebum’s lap and stayed there. His arm was around Jaebum’s neck, his side pressed firmly into Jaebum’s so that the older boys felt every laugh and every movement, and his leg thrown over Jaebum’s to intertwine their legs together. Had it been anyone else, maybe even Jinyoung too, Jaebum would have immediately eased away. He wasn’t big on skinship, especially while in public and while he did give more leeway to Jinyoung, he did tend to pull away from others. With Jackson, however, like everything else in their friendship, skinship came very naturally and instead of pulling away Jaebum relaxed into the touch.

Once again Jaebum tried to ignore the look on Jinyoung’s face.

Eventually, long past the time that other patrons had come and gone, the group packed it up. Jaebum paid the entire bill-already calculating how many hours he would have to pick up at work in order to cover it all-and the group stumbled out. While all of them had indulged, BamBam and Jackson had been the ones to drink the most and it was obvious in their attempt to walk home. BamBam ended up having to be carried, Yugyeom drawing the short straw and being forced to carry his drunken same aged friend.   Mark, arguably one of the most sober ones of the group, shadowed a step behind Yugyeom for support as the maknae occasionally swayed from the extended effort of carrying another man and his own excess alcohol. Jackson was still able to mostly walk as Jaebum had taken preventative steps early on and cut the younger man off, switching him to water as the night neared its end though Jaebum still had to loop his arm around his waist and halfway drag him at times.

“Hyung, you’re the best. I don’t know what I would do without you,” Jackson babbled all the way home, leaning in to nuzzle up close to Jaebum’s face.

Jaebum nodded and pat Jackson’s arm comfortingly. “Yeah, sure, sure,” he muttered, exasperated by the Hong Kong native’s rambling. He had been rambling since they left the little shop and Jaebum wasn’t too interesting in listening to it while he focused on making sure the younger boy didn’t fall flat on his face.

“No, Hyung, I mean it. You need to know that,” Jackson slurred, invoking an odd immediate reaction in Jaebum, like a phantom pain.

(“No, Jinyoung, I really love you. I need you to know that.”)

His steps faltered for a moment and that same pain he felt whenever he thought about that day hit him in the chest. He was hyperaware of his own body once again, aware of every inch of skin touching Jackson. His stomach felt hollow and unsettled, making him regret every single drink he consumed that night. His breathing came a little harder, his chest tight with pain and he subconsciously pulled Jackson closer, his whole body tightening up against the onslaught of sudden pain.

Jinyoung, walking several paces ahead of them, turned to look at him over his shoulder as if sensing his stare. His gaze met Jaebum’s for a long moment, his stare carefully blank and completely unreadable. Everything seemed to slow down for a moment, narrowed down until it was just the two of them looking at one another. No words were exchanged and neither made an attempt to close the space between them. The distance felt deliberate and dangerous, like no man’s land between them. Now more than ever was Jaebum aware of the distance in their relationship as of late, staring into Jinyoung’s unreadable expression and feeling like he was failing him once more somehow.

And then slowly Jinyoung turned back around, pulling away once more. Jaebum clutched Jackson even closer, feeling like the ground could swallow him up any moment.

 

 

_V_

(Jaebum stared down at his empty hand, where Jinyoung’s wrist had been moments before. He was dimly aware of Jinyoung talking to Mark, clearly flustered by the turn of events but trying to pretend to be normal. If he hadn’t been so drunk Jaebum suspected that Mark would immediately know that something was up, as Jinyoung didn’t flounder like he was now. Jaebum might have even been amused by how awkward Jinyoung’s stumbling was, but at the moment all Jaebum could focus on was how empty his hand felt, how heavy his heart was and the crushing weight of rejection that Jinyoung hadn’t even voiced yet.

Jinyoung glanced back worriedly at Jaebum, who still refused to look up from his empty hand. He turned back to Mark then, offering a jumbled excuse that was borderline pathetic. “Do you mind checking on Youngjae? I think he, ah, went to the bathroom and hasn’t come back out. Maybe he’s sick,” Jinyoung muttered, nudging Mark towards the edge of his seat.

Jaebum looked up then, making eye contact with Mark. The slightly older man was still very bleary-eyed from the alcohol; the chance of him very suddenly sobering up in an instant was very thin after all. But he looked oddly serious and knowing. Jaebum froze, feeling his blood run cold as Mark stared practically into his soul. Mark stared directly at him, daring him to look away. And even if Jaebum didn’t exactly know why they were suddenly in a staring contest when Mark had clearly already won the thing Jaebum really wanted, Jaebum’s competitive side wouldn’t let him look away.

And then Mark just gave up, as suddenly as he had started their little game, and looked away. The serious look quickly left his face, reverting back to the easy-going drunken grin he had been wearing before Jinyoung tried to shoo him away. He smiled, like he hadn’t a care in the world, and nodded at Jinyoung.

“Yeah, I should go check on him. He had a lot to drink and if he’s sick he might need someone to take care of him,” Mark said slowly, with just the right amount of concern from one drunken man to another.

“Good idea,” Jinyoung was quick to say, nodding seriously and trying not to look as if he was in such a hurry to get rid of him.

Jaebum didn’t comment on the fact that Jinyoung seemed to have forgotten that he was the one to suggest the idea in the first place and neither did Mark. Instead Mark just stood, swaying unstably for a moment, prompting Jinyoung to reach out to steady him. After a moment Mark seemed to get over the initial intoxicated head rush movement caused and he gave a little smile that didn’t reach his eyes, though Jinyoung didn’t seem to notice. He muttered something about being back soon and left after one more oddly serious glance at Jaebum. Jaebum watched him go, fixating him the older male so he didn’t have to focus on Jinyoung. He already knew instinctively what was going to come next and he was in no hurry to face it head on.

They sat in an awkward silence for a long moment, Jaebum refusing to look at Jinyoung and instead focusing on where Mark had disappeared while Jinyoung doggedly refused to look away from Jaebum. Jaebum wanted nothing more than not to be there in that moment. Momentarily, he wanted to take back every word, to go back to when Jinyoung was still clueless and he wasn’t looking at him like he was now. It would have spared him the heartache he was feeling now, but he also knew that this was for the better. This heartache might feel like everything was over for him right now, but at least he knew and he wasn’t going to be haunted forever by the what ifs. Eventually, even if it didn’t feel like it now, he would be able to move on without it hanging over his head.

Steeling himself against the pain, Jaebum slowly turned to face the music. Jinyoung gaze finally met his own, filled with a look of utter despair and pain. A sick part of Jaebum was almost happy to see how pained Jinyoung obviously was by this. It was oddly pleasing to see how broken up Jinyoung appeared to be by having to turn him down, even if it went against the other instinct he had to try and appease Jinyoung at all times.

“Jaebum-hyung,” Jinyoung started hesitantly, his voice almost a manifestation of pain, mirroring how Jaebum felt to a much lesser degree. Jaebum could hear and see that Jinyoung was in pain, but it was nothing like how he felt. He felt as if he was dying, slowly and he knew it was only going to get worse with each word Jinyoung was about to say to justify his rejection.

Jaebum shook his head, closing his eyes to attempt to block out the rejection. “It’s fine, I understand,” he said quickly, cutting off whatever Jinyoung had been preparing to say.

“I do love you, Hyung,” Jinyoung said very suddenly and with force. Jaebum opened his eyes and stared back at his best friend who looked oddly determined. “Of course I love you, you must know that by now.”

Emotion blossomed in Jaebum’s chest, making it swell with each breath. It was hard to breathe for a moment, the warring emotions in his chest making him feel as if he was going to burst and like there was no room for air in his lungs with the sudden influx of emotions taking its place. It hurt; hurt his heart, his stomach, his head. He couldn’t feel his limbs, completely numb and there was a brief moment he felt as if he was falling. The pain, the heartache, the hollow anger, and-the most dangerous one- buried underneath it all _hope_ sprung up at Jinyoung’s declaration. But Jaebum knew it was foolish hope, knew by Jinyoung’s expression that the declaration of love wasn’t supposed to fill him with hope and happiness but soothe his pain at least a little. It was meant to placate him that while he hadn’t been enough he had at least left an impression, like the notion that almost was supposed to be comforting here. The immediate sting of his plummeting hope had the opposite effect and it hurt that much more.

“Just not enough,” Jaebum uttered slowly, allowing Jinyoung to stomp all over the foolish hope.

Jinyoung let out a shallow breath and finally looked away, hanging his head while clenching his eyes closed with a distressed expression. Jaebum was almost glad that Jinyoung couldn’t choke out the words, not sure if he was really up for more. Another part of him, a sick masochistic part, almost needed to hear Jinyoung say those hurtful words to him.

Jaebum nodded his head resolutely and stood up, pressing his lips together in a grimly. “Okay,” he murmured, choosing to step away now that he had his answer.

He didn’t get far, Jinyoung reaching out fast as lightning and latched onto this arm in a firm desperate hold. “Don’t walk away, Hyung. Let’s just talk about this,” he stuttered frantically. A long pause filled the air and then Jinyoung spoke again, much more brokenly and in a barely audible whimper. “Don’t leave me, Hyung.”

And Jaebum, who had managed to keep his cool through all the anguish and torment that had bombarded him, finally broke in that moment. Looking at Jinyoung, that last plea combined with the utterly lost, scared, and truly devastated look on his face, finally broke him. His eyes swelled with tears that he refused to allow to fall, his breathe hitched in his chest, and he felt his lip quiver. He quickly furrowed his bottom lip between his teeth, trying to buy him time while he tried to find his voice again. He reached out slowly, hesitantly, and brushed his hand over Jinyoung’s cheek. Jinyoung stared up at him with wide eyes, his lips parted wide in surprise, and Jaebum tried to keep his cool and not let the tears fall.

He swallowed, attempting to clear the knot in his throat, and then spoke around it with a shaky voice. “Together forever, remember?” he promised.

Jinyoung reached out for him, like Jaebum was the life preserver and he was drowning. He tried to pull him closer, clamoring to get as close as possible but it already too much for Jaebum’s fragile control. He extracted himself as quickly and as gently as he could, trying not to look at the heartbroken expression on Jinyoung’s face as a result.

“I need a drink. I’ll be back,” he mumbled lowly.

“Hyung!” Jinyoung tried to protest, reaching out once more but Jaebum was already backing away.

“I’m fine. It’s fine.” He walked away without a backward glance.)

 

 

_IX_

Jaebum yawned loudly, throwing his textbook away from him and stretching out his arms above his head. Behind him on the couch he could hear the scratching of Jackson’s pen still as he too stopped. With their presentations behind them, they were in the final stretch of the semester. The only thing left was the final exam and the two had been studying seemingly nonstop when they weren’t working.

Both boys had worked that morning, opening the restaurant and staying there for the better part of the day. They had brought their books with them and had studied during their break and every little moment between different tasks, and then had immediately went back to the dorm and set up in the living room to study again. It was nearing midnight now, the dorm quiet for once since Jaebum had given Youngjae all of his pocket money to take the two maknaes out so the two didn’t have to attempt to concentrate over the usual chaos. Jinyoung, who had finals too, had to work his shift at the library so he and Mark had already been there for the better part of the day for their own last minute study session.

Jaebum moved stiffly away from the coffee table he had been hunched over for way too long already and climbed up onto the couch with Jackson. He stretched out, laying his head down near where Jackson was folded up over his book. “Does your brain feel like a big pile of mush like mine?” he complained, allowing his body try and relax after sitting in the same position for too long.

“Probably worse,” Jackson muttered, bending slightly to put his now closed book on the floor. There was a moment of shuffling, Jackson stretching out as well, and the younger boy nudged Jaebum slightly to get him to lift his head. Jaebum allowed Jackson to partially lift him and settle his head in the energetic one’s lap. Jaebum relaxed further as Jackson dragged his hands through Jaebum’s newly trimmed hair, running his fingers over the much shorter hairs of the extreme undercut Jaebum had given himself. He couldn’t help it as his eyes drifted closed and he felt his whole body loosen under Jackson’s ministrations.

“Does that feel good?” Jackson asked with a small laugh and Jaebum could only hum in agreement.

They sit in silence for a few minutes, Jackson slowly working to completely unwind every tension in Jaebum’s body. It was the most peaceful he felt in ages, if he’s completely honest. He felt as if nothing could ruin this moment and he wanted to live in it forever. The past few months had been torture for Jaebum, this never-ending funk hanging over him like his own personal rain cloud. Being with Jackson, however, Jaebum was starting to realize was like the sun poking through the storm and offering light and warmth. Jaebum was selfishly clinging to it, hurriedly grabbing a hold of it to bask in the warmth and hoping for the light at the end of the tunnel. And it was nearly as if in this very moment, this pure, unadulterated moment of peace from everything that has been plaguing him, it was as if the clouds had finally cleared and the sunshine -perhaps Jackson’s sunshine- was the only thing left to shine brightly.

“I’m starved. Should we order fo-” Jaebum started to say before something brush against his lips.

It was the barest of touches, more like lips skimming over his than an actual kiss but Jaebum froze all the same. Jackson leaned back, his adorably cute big wide eyes staring back at him filled with nervousness and hope. Jaebum couldn’t help his hand coming up to brush over his oversensitive lips, pausing with his fingertips just barely resting over his bottom lip.

“What?” Jaebum forced out after a long beat, his mind trying to process what exactly had just happened.

Jackson chuckled nervously, his hands still tangled in Jaebum’s dark locks. “Sorry, I couldn’t help it. I was just looking at you, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look so relaxed. I just had to kiss you. Sorry.”

Jaebum blinked slowly, his head still a little slow on the uptake. He tried to just take a moment to figure what was happening but all he could focus on was how Jackson’s lips had felt against his own. Jaebum wasn’t going to lie; he hadn’t been kissed in a long while, not since shortly before Jinyoung had chosen Mark over him. He had almost forgotten how nice it felt, and kissing Jackson versus kissing Jinyoung didn’t actually feel all that different, which surprised him more than he could really say.

Kissing Jinyoung had been perfect, this wonderful almost life changing thing. It was definitely one of the best feelings in the world. Or so he thought. Because kissing Jackson, even that simplest barely-a-kiss-at-all kiss had felt just as wonderful, even if his head had to take a long moment to realize it. He felt as if everything was thrown off-kilter and he was suddenly questioning everything.

“Sorry, Hyung,” Jackson repeated when Jaebum didn’t respond.

But Jaebum didn’t want to hear his apologies. “Don’t apologize,” he muttered while reaching out. With a single hand, he gripped Jackson’s chin and pulled him down again as he lifted himself up to meet him.

The kiss started out simple, a firm, chaste press of lips. Jaebum focused solely on Jackson and the kiss, sinking into it slowly until it grew into something more. The longer it went on the heat began to grow and grow until Jaebum felt almost consumed by it, hungered for it. His muscles were straining from trying to keep himself lifted up to meet Jackson and dimly he was suspected that the position probably wasn’t so comfortable for Jackson either, having to duck his head down towards his own lap for an extended period of time. Moving was an unconscious thing, his body moving to get into a better position before his mind could really catch up. But soon Jaebum found himself sitting up on his knees, leaning over Jackson who had relaxed back against the arm of the couch, the kiss lasting nearly the entire time as Jaebum seemed to be unable to pull himself away from Jackson for more than a second.

Lips danced, meshing together somewhat awkwardly at first until they found a groove, a pace, a level of heat that both were comfortable with. It overwhelmed Jaebum, made him feel somewhat raw and overexposed and yet he felt more alive than he had felt in ages. Thoughts, emotions, and sensations warred within him simultaneous, making him more confused than ever but he still found himself unable to pull away. Kissing Jackson felt _good_ , almost natural even in a way that it had never been like with Jinyoung. Kissing Jinyoung had always excited Jaebum, in a way that only a first love really could. But kissing Jackson made him feel alive, like there was a fire burning under his skin and he felt intoxicated by the feel of it. He was drowning in this kiss, in this moment, but he didn’t dare pull away to catch his breath.

And of course that’s when the door opened, both too caught up in the moment to even hear the gentle telltale cadence of the buttons being pressed to unlock the door. Neither noticed the door opening softly, or Mark’s and Jinyoung’s quiet mutterings as they shuffled out of their shoes. The harsh sound of Jinyoung’s bag hitting the ground did actually registered to them, as well as Mark’s surprised “oh”, prompting the two to finally pull apart.

Meeting Jinyoung’s surprised, frozen stare like a deer in headlights had Jaebum scrambling away from Jackson. His face felt flushed, no doubt bright red, and he suddenly wished for the ground to open up and swallow him whole. No one moved for a long horrible moment until Jackson, bless him and his mood making abilities, laughed sheepishly and immediately began to babble about something or other. Mark followed his lead without much prompting, breaking the tension in the room slowly. Jaebum dared to look away from Jinyoung for a moment, glancing at Jackson and met his gaze. Jackson was oddly serious for a moment, a careful scrutiny in his gaze, before he turned away and was once again all smiles and cheer.

Jaebum dared to look back at Jinyoung, who had seemed to recover marginally from his shock. But instead of looking at him and giving him something to work with, see what his reaction was and if he had somehow messed up and upset him, Jinyoung turned away from him. A terrible sinking feeling filled Jaebum’s gut the longer his best friend refused to look at him before he eventually quietly left the room and retreated to the kitchen.

Even Mark and Jackson couldn’t deny the chill that settled over the room following Jinyoung’s departure. Both seemed to drop all pretenses of normalcy once Jinyoung left, looking at one another for a long moment before they both eventually turned to Jaebum. Jaebum tried to school his features, try not to let it show just how lost he suddenly felt. Just a little bit ago he had been studying, nose buried in a book. Now he stood desolate in the living room, his best friend having turned away from him but his lips still swollen from the passionate kiss from his new friend. The weight of Mark’s and Jackson’s stare felt unbelievably heavy on him but he could do nothing but slowly blink and try and let his mind and body finally catch up with each other.

Jackson was the first to move, rubbing at the back of his neck and taking a deep audible breath. “Well, I better get back to my dorm. I’m going to be late for curfew if I don’t leave now and I might as well try to rest before class tomorrow,” he said casually, already bending to pack up his books into his book bag.

Jaebum muttered a noncommittal “yeah”, feeling like he should say something but at a loss about what exactly to say. Mark moved wordlessly over to the couch and plopped down, turning on the TV and thankfully adding noise to the utterly and unusually quiet dorm. The noise from the TV helped calm Jaebum’s rattled nerves, lessening the tension slightly and making him feel less like the stillness was going to swallow him whole. Breathing came a little easier and slowed the whirlwind in his head a bit, allowing him to start to get his shit together.

Wordlessly Jaebum scooped Jackson’s hat off the coffee table where the foreign boy had thrown it earlier after a small, frustrated break from the study-coma the boys had put themselves in. Jaebum thought for a moment of simply handing the cap to his friend and allowing him to go on his merry way but dismissed the idea even as his body had already started moving towards the door with Jackson a step behind him. Jaebum didn’t bother with his own shoes, hovering while Jackson toed his on and then together they eased the door open and stepped out into the dark, bland hallway.

Neither spoke, even after the door closed fully behind them. They hovered uncertainly; not looking at one another for a long moment before Jackson stepped forward and gently nudged the older one. Jaebum steeled himself and then glanced up, meeting Jackson gaze head on. The younger was oddly serious, no trace of any joking energy left in him at the moment. The was a level of scrutiny in his gaze and Jaebum just knew that Jackson was searching him, looking to see where he stood with everything that had gone on.

Because this changed things, Jaebum wasn’t stupid enough to think that it wouldn’t. The easy friendship he and Jackson had could very well transition them into a relationship, in a way so similar to how things almost went with Jinyoung. But Jaebum feared that his life was going to one almost after another, one failed step over the edge and instead left hovering on the cusp of greatness. Jaebum was barely holding it all together now, still recovering from the blow Jinyoung had inflicted on him but finally peaking out behind all the dark clouds. And he knew without a doubt that if this became just another almost and damaged the friendship he had with Jackson like it did with Jinyoung then Jaebum really wasn’t going to be able to survive this one.

And he was just so tired and scared of hurting.

Whatever answer Jackson had been looking for he must have gotten it because before Jaebum knew what was happening Jackson was once again stepping into his personal space. Maybe Jaebum should have actually expected it but he still found himself surprised when Jackson angled his chin upwards slightly, making up for the slight height difference, and pressed his lips to his. And despite his surprise and despite the circumstances like knowing both Mark and Jinyoung were on the other side of the door no doubt waiting for him, Jaebum found himself losing himself in the kiss. His whole body loosened, melting into the kiss as he kissed back with equal fervor, reminded once more about how good of a kisser Jackson was and how alive he felt with Jackson’s lips attached to his.

Jaebum was reaching out to deepen the kiss, his hand just barely ghosting against Jackson’s skin as he reached to grab him by the nape and pull him even closer, when Jackson pulled back. Jaebum let out a noise of protest, leaning forward to chase and continue the kiss even as Jackson pulled back. He didn’t go far, backing away only long enough to really break the kiss and make sure his lips were free so he could speak. He leaned in close, his forehead brushing against Jaebum’s and his harsh panting breath ghosting against Jaebum’s lips teasingly. It was almost too much and Jaebum was in a fog, trying to recapture the moment before Jackson actually began to speak and clear his head.

“I know you love Jinyoung and it’s obvious that Jinyoung loves you back,” Jackson began and those words alone were like a bucket of ice water over Jaebum’s head. Jaebum sucked in a breath through his teeth harshly, taking a step back. Jackson allowed him to step away freely, his gaze serious once more and the sight of his swollen lips were only slightly distracting for Jaebum.

“That isn’t really the question here,” Jackson continued despite Jaebum not wanting him too. He just wanted to go back to the kissing. It was easier and much nicer that way. “The question is whether or not that love is worth all this pain you two keep putting each other through and whether or not it’s enough to make you both happy.”

Silence filled the hallway, cold and oppressive. Jaebum opened his mouth to speak, he felt as if he should say something -anything at all- but words failed him. Instead he stood there with his mouth agape, stupefied by Jackson and his words while said man only smiled back at him softly. Something told him that Jackson didn’t actually expect him to say anything, but he waited nonetheless to see if the older would somehow force out some words. Jaebum tried, and failed, to get his mind and mouth to just cooperate with him.

Jackson actually huffed out a small laugh, no doubt at Jaebum’s expense, and then he stepped forward once more. Jaebum actually felt the urge to back away this time, Jackson’s words still whirling around in his head and getting lost in another kiss after he had just been upended didn’t seem like a good idea. But he didn’t, staying shock still instead because he couldn’t actually see himself rejecting a kiss from Jackson. Thankfully this kiss wasn’t a mind-melting one like the previous ones. It was soft, chaste, and so brief Jaebum couldn’t have lost himself in it if he tried.

“Think it through, whatever you decide I’ll support you fully. But don’t let him sway you before you have a chance to really consider me. Because I can make you happy too if you only give me a chance to,” Jackson said turning away and disappearing down the stairs before Jaebum had a moment to even process it.

Jaebum stood dumbfounded for a long time, at least several minutes, before he gathered himself enough to go back into the dorm. It was quiet when he entered somewhat robotically. The TV was turned down low so he could hear movement in the kitchen. Jaebum glanced at Mark, still sitting on the couch who stared back at him expectantly, before he sighed and made his way to the kitchen, knowing he wasn’t going to be able to get out of this. He didn’t want to go in, see what sort of damage he had done to their already strained friendship, didn’t want to see that look Jinyoung had been giving him lately when he still couldn’t figure out why. But he also knew walking away wasn’t going to help either. So he steeled his nerves and entered slowly.

Jinyoung was at the sink when he entered, his back to him. Water slashed in the sink as he worked, cleaning dishes that Youngjae had left out earlier that day. Jaebum waited for Jinyoung to acknowledge him, he knew that Jinyoung was aware of him standing there. The seconds ticked by, mounting and mounting in a heavier tension the longer that Jinyoung ignored him standing there. Jaebum glanced back to Mark for support, whom he could just see through the narrow doorway, but the older boy offered no help. He just stared back evenly for a long moment before he deliberately turned away and turned up the volume on the TV.

Jaebum sighed and then tried to clear his throat to get Jinyoung’s attention, but still his friend ignored him. It almost stung more, to be ignored so fully while Jaebum made an effort to bridge the gap between them. No doubt Jinyoung was in shock, Jaebum was too by the sudden development and he didn’t even know how he felt about it himself. Honestly, he really wished he could have had his best friend then to talk about it, help him sort out his feelings. But with how complicated their relationship was, especially as of late while Jaebum felt as if he was constantly walking on eggshells, he knew it wasn’t an option.

It felt unfair and annoyance filled the older boy. He shook his head, welcoming the annoyance and allowing it to take over for a moment instead of feeling guilty. He was single; after all, it wasn’t as if he had cheated on Jinyoung. Jinyoung was with Mark, he had made his choice and it hadn’t been Jaebum so really Jinyoung didn’t have the right to be giving him the cold shoulder over this _whatever it was_ with Jackson. Frustration was easier to process and handle instead of misguided guilt from lingering feelings, so Jaebum took a hold of that and ran with it.

“You obviously don’t want to talk so I’m just going to go to bed. Come find me when you want to be a good mature friend and actually want to talk to me,” Jaebum muttered somewhat hotly and then turned away quickly.

He ignored the loud thump that resulted from Jinyoung throwing whatever dish against the sink that had the misfortune of being in his hand at the time. He didn’t hear anything break though so figuring he was in the clear so he continued on without a backward glance, marching up to the coffee table where his books still lay. He scooped them up wordlessly, glancing only briefly at Mark with a look that told him not to even try bothering him at the moment. Mark, for his credit, didn’t say anything though he didn’t look pleased either and if Jaebum hadn’t been so annoyed he probably would have felt bad for putting Jinyoung in a bad mood and letting Mark clean up the pieces. Jaebum had been there many times before, trying to calm a moody Jinyoung, and it was no small task, but at the moment Jaebum didn’t care.

He crossed the room with only a few long strides and only just stopped himself from actually slamming his bedroom door closed, knowing that would have been going overboard. He leaned against his door for a long few minutes, breathing slowing and calming the fire before it got out of control. Only when he was sure he was good, feeling marginally calmer, did he step away from the door and set his books down on the small desk that he and Youngjae shared pushed into the corner.

Only then did he realize that he never did give Jackson his hat back, still clutched in his hand throughout this whole time. Jaebum stared at it for longer than he really should have, not able to identify what he was feeling at the moment and why. With deliberate slowness he moved closer to his bed and hung it carefully on the little bedpost. He would give it back at the earliest opportunity, he promised himself while turning away and starting to get ready for bed.

He tried not to overthink how seeing it hanging there helped him fall asleep faster, nor how he didn’t really make an effort to grab it before leaving the next morning, somewhat deliberately leaving the hat hanging there innocently but still very heavy with implication.

 

 

_I_

(“Stop kicking me, Jinyoung,” Jaebum complained, kicking out his foot in retaliation. He purposefully didn’t put too much strength into the blow, and with how their feet were tangled in the thick blanket Jaebum would be surprised if Jinyoung really felt it at all through the thick layer of fluff.

Jinyoung let out a soft laugh into the darkness of the room, closer to an actual giggle. “Sorry, Hyung, I’m just excited. I can’t settle down.”

Jaebum hummed in response, reaching out through the darkness to pat Jinyoung comfortingly on the head. It was the first night of their winter break and the two, inseparable as ever, had spent the day together getting into snowball fights, yelling and laughing, and generally causing havoc. Christmas was just around the corner, then New Years, and then Jaebum’s birthday as well. He was turning fifteen this year, which somehow felt like a huge milestone to the teens, and the two were just excited and had enjoyed their day so much that they were having a hard time settling down. Already Jinyoung’s parents had come in twice to tell them it was late and to go to bed.

Jinyoung snuggled closer to Jaebum, tucking his head against the older boy’s shoulder and letting out a contented sigh. Jaebum’s heart thrummed loudly in his chest but he ignored it, just trying to enjoy the moment since sleepovers like this had started to become less of a regular thing, as they were older. It was nice, the darkness providing a mask to cover them, the nest of blankets and cushions almost too soft and comforting. The steady warmth of Jinyoung’s body, so close Jaebum wasn’t really sure where he ended and where Jinyoung began, was the best thing, if Jaebum was completely honest.

Slowly they settled, only a few minor adjustments and fidgeting as the excited energy finally started to wane through the darkness and fatigue started to settle in. The fog of sleep was starting to flow in, covering the two boys like a warm fuzzy blanket. Jaebum was nearly asleep when Jinyoung spoke, almost didn’t hear it. Jinyoung’s voice sounded just as sleepy as Jaebum felt, but there was still this rawness in his voice that had Jaebum slowly waking up again.

“Things are going to start changing from here on out, right Jaebum-hyung,” Jinyoung muttered, so close that Jaebum could feel the vibrations of his speak and the feel of his lips moving against his arm.

“What do you mean?” Jaebum asked into the darkness, not bothering to turn his head since he knew he wouldn’t be able to see Jinyoung anyways.

Jinyoung didn’t speak for a long moment and Jaebum worried for a moment that he had simply fallen asleep without answering him. But he could feel Jinyoung’s gentle breathing still, calm and steady, but nowhere as slow as one would expect if he had fallen asleep. Jaebum worried he might not answer him until Jinyoung started speaking slowly, his voice almost a whisper.

“We’re growing up now, we’ll be men before we know it, and things will change. We’ll finish school and move on to universities. Different people will come into our lives, friendships and relationships. We’re at that turning point now, when we start discovering what kind of men we will become.”

Jinyoung paused here, trailing off slightly and Jaebum sat wordlessly, unsure if his friend was going to continue or not. The silence stretched on and lingered and Jaebum thought maybe he should say something. He just couldn’t find the right words to say, unprepared for this sudden existential crisis his friend was going through.

Jinyoung saved him however, burrowing impossibly closer and speaking his next words in a barely audible whisper. “I don’t know what kind of man I would be without you, Hyung, and I don’t ever want to find out.”

Jaebum’s heart lurched and a thousand different feelings filled him that he couldn’t even process. Blindly, he reached out and groped around the blankets until he found Jinyoung’s hand. Intertwining their fingers he squeezed it as tightly as he could, trying to express everything he felt in this moment when his voice was failing him. Jinyoung squeezed him back just as tightly, hanging onto him like he was his lifeline.

“We’ll always be together, right Hyung? You won’t leave me?” he asked into the darkness, his voice so raw and broken.)

 

 

_X_

As it turned out, it took longer for Jinyoung to be that mature friend Jaebum was looking for than anyone really expected. Jinyoung actively ignored him for the next few days and Jaebum, only mildly more mature but equally as stubborn, was determined to not be the one to bend first though he didn’t go out of his way to avoid Jinyoung either. Instead he waited, staring expectantly at Jinyoung’s turned back anytime they were in the same room together, waiting for Jinyoung to finally give in and actually talk to him again. It was by far the longest they had gone without speaking to one another and the others had definitely noticed the chill. The others tried to ignore the awkwardness, to act as normal as possible and not cause further upset, but even the most boisterous energy was affected by the odd dance the two were currently involved in.

Final exams had thankfully come and gone, with good results as well which was a blessing considering Jaebum could hardly focus on his exam with everything going on in his head. Jackson passed as well, even doing better on the exam than Jaebum had, a fact he teasingly liked to point out repeatedly when they went out to celebrate afterwards.

Things between them were different as well, though much better than Jaebum’s and Jinyoung’s current status. Jackson was giving Jaebum time to sort out his feelings, even offering to back off a bit so Jaebum could sort out everything by himself but Jaebum refused the offer. Jaebum had gotten so used to having Jackson there by his side, so bright and colorful, that the thought of him distancing himself deeply alarmed Jaebum more than he was willing to admit. So they continued on, Jackson never pressuring Jaebum into anything but Jaebum couldn’t deny that there was a very obvious tension between them now, a sexual tension that had never noticed before but probably always existed, and that he sometime found himself thinking about kissing Jackson again and looking at him in a whole new light.

It was all very confusing.

And tiring. So after working all day at the restaurant, where a cook had called off and Jaebum had been called in on his day off to fill in and then later on forced into the closing serving shift, Jaebum was more than ready to just go home and fall into bed. It had been a long week, filled with last minute cram sessions, stressful finals, long laborious shifts, and an emotionally and physically exhausting week of confusion and uncertainty that just took more out of him than he thought. His warm inviting bed was calling to him and as he slowly trudged up the worn stairs up to their dorm that’s all he could think about.

Jaebum was typing up a text to Jackson, who actually did have the day off of work, telling him about the awful day he had when he eased the door open and toed his shoes off. There was music playing in the dorm, probably a notch or two too loud for the current time, but Jaebum chose to ignore it. With the weird tension in the dorm the younger boys had been mostly behaving lately and not causing too much trouble so some loud music playing after dark didn’t seem worth yelling at them for. He would let it go this time, as reward for behaving since the week was hard enough without having to deal with troublesome youngsters as well.

Or at least that was the plan until he stepped fully into the dorm, preparing to tell the younger boys to at least be mindful of their hateful neighbors and not turn it up louder, and didn’t actually see any of the youngsters like he had expected. Instead Jinyoung was sprawled out on the floor, in one of Jaebum’s old sweatshirts that was way too baggy on his smaller frame, taking sips straight from a soju bottle rather than bothering with the discarded shot glass next to him. There were several beer cans sitting on the coffee table and another empty soju bottle lying uselessly across the room, closer to Jaebum by the door.

Jinyoung, who had been swaying along with the music, opened his eyes after a moment and stared blurrily at Jaebum for a moment before a delighted smile broke out on his face. “Jaebum-hyung, you’re home! Come and have shot with me,” he slurred cheerfully, gesturing him forward by waving the soju at him and spilling a little when some of the alcoholic liquid sloshed out by the sudden movement. Jinyoung didn’t seem to notice at all.

Jaebum could only blink dumbly at his best friend, feeling sort of whiplash by the sudden change. The two had gone from not speaking, or even looking at one another for Jinyoung, and now all of a sudden his friend wanted to drunkenly take shots together. Jaebum only shook his head, glancing around to see if he could see any of the others around, hell even having Mark around would be a blessing at the moment even if there would be a lot of drunken cuddling from the two. He just didn’t have a good feeling about being alone with Jinyoung, like everything was going to come to a head and he really didn’t want it to happen when Jinyoung was drunk.

“Where is everyone?” he asked softly, not moving away from the door.

For a moment he considered turning back around and leaving but he was already so exhausted and he didn’t know where he would go. Jaebum glanced at his bedroom door and idly wondered if he could just somehow sneak away and leave Jinyoung to drink by himself. He was too tired to deal with whatever was going to happen next.

“They went out. But I’ve been waiting for you. I just really want to talk to you, Hyung,” Jinyoung said, slowly getting his feet under him and moving towards him. Jaebum could practically see his small window of opportunity to run away closing faster and faster as Jinyoung got closer to him.

Jinyoung stumbled a little and Jaebum reached out automatically to catch him. The younger boys mumbled something under his breath that Jaebum didn’t quite catch, swaying a little but seeming to be trying his best not to. But it didn’t seem to matter anymore when Jinyoung looked up once he had equal footing and stared at him earnestly.

“I’m ready to talk now, Hyung. We need to talk,” he said, grabbing onto Jaebum’s wrist and looking at him so seriously.

(Jinyoung’s eyes widened in surprise from being grabbed so suddenly and the surprised expression on his face seemed to intensify when the younger man’s attention was focused fully on the unexpectedly serious expression on Jaebum’s.)

Jaebum forced himself to look away from Jinyoung’s focused stare and instead studied his wrist in Jinyoung’s hand. Phantom memories instantly surfaced, reminding him of when he had grabbed at Jinyoung in such a similar manner and confessed his feelings. This wasn’t quite a déjà vu experience but it was too eerily similar to ignore. He felt off balanced by it all so he didn’t fight when Jinyoung used his grip on him to tug him over to the couch and practically push him onto it. Jinyoung settled gracelessly next to him, probably a hair closer than was absolutely necessary but the alcohol seemed to be giving him liquid courage.

Jinyoung started immediately, not giving Jaebum a chance to even think about saying anything. The words came out in a rush, like he had been bottling it up for a long while and it was all coming rushing out now that it finally had an outlet. “I know you have been hurting and I’m sorry. I’ve been hurting too, more than I thought I would. It made me realize some things.”

Jaebum swallowed thickly, closing his eyes and trying to block out everything. This wasn’t what he wanted or needed. His head was spinning already and he just knew it was going to get worse before it got better. Jinyoung was drunk and Jaebum didn’t really know how much credit he should be putting into his words or if he should take it all with a grain of salt. And he was just so tired still that a part of him just didn’t want this to happen just yet. This conversation was a long time coming, building and building over time until it just became too much to ignore any farther and they had address it or risk combustion. This conversation had to happen, but everything about this moment felt off. The elements that made up this moment felt wrong and Jaebum just couldn’t see how anything good could come from this.

“I love you,” Jinyoung suddenly blurted out and it was as if everything melted down instantly.

Jaebum’s eyes snapped open and all he could do was stare blankly at his best friend and fight to breathe. Jinyoung seemed to wince at his own words, like he hadn’t meant to blurt it out so bluntly and so suddenly, but Jaebum couldn’t even concentrate on anything at the moment. His brain and body felt as if it was completely shut down at the sudden declaration and it was as if everything just stopped. Everything Jaebum had been feeling, all the whirling thoughts, and the sinking feeling he had gotten in his gut disappeared, and all he felt was total and complete numbness. The loss of sensation was so abrupt it was extremely jarring.

“What?” he choked out dumbly after a moment, unable to close his mouth and just letting it hang open in shock.

Jinyoung, to his credit, didn’t try to backtrack. He seemed to make an effort to sober up a bit, sitting a little straighter and trying to focus his blurry gaze at little better. He took a deep breath and spoke with utter determination. “I do, I love you, Hyung. It just took me longer than it should've to realize just how much,” Jinyoung said softly, leaning forward and cupping Jaebum’s cheek in his head.

But Jaebum’s head was still whirling, fast and hard enough that it felt as his head was going to explode, and the sudden touch did nothing to calm his rattled nerves. It felt as if it burned hotly on his oversensitive skin, but not like the slow pleasurable burn Jackson’s touch incited. This touch hurt, too much in that moment for him to handle, and he leaned away quickly with a hiss escaping from his clenched teeth. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, not wanting to see how his reaction had affected Jinyoung. He shook his head violently for a moment, trying to shake out all the spinning thoughts.

“I-I don’t understand,” he choked out. “You love me? You really love me? You’re not just trying to string me along?” he asked, opening his eyes once more to look deeply into his best friend’s eyes.

He tried to let his eyes do some of the talking since actually getting words out was a struggle, trying to let Jinyoung see how confused and conflicted he felt. There was a lingering sensation of hurt still hanging over him, because after all this pain and conflict they had gone through this moment, this sudden declaration, felt almost unfair. Because, foolishly, hope and excited nervous butterflies were already twirling around in his stomach. This was what he had wanted, what he had been waiting to hear, and yet he had already been hurt so much that he didn’t dare give into it now. He didn’t dare freely hope he could open his arms to Jinyoung now, the level of trust and faith that Jinyoung wouldn’t hurt him damaged perhaps beyond repair because he had already stomped all over him. The two sides of him, this happy hopeful side and this pained guarded side, warred within him and all he could do was stare at the younger boy and hope he could see and understand how he was feeling.

“Yes, I love you, Hyung. After everything we have been through and how our relationship has grown, I do, I love you,” Jinyoung declared resolutely. He didn’t dare reach out to cradle his face again, but his hands did reach out to find Jaebum’s wrist once more. Jinyoung scooted marginally closer and he squeezed Jaebum’s wrist in his grip.

Jaebum looked away, staring at their hands in his lap. He tried to let it all sink in, tried to just allow himself to just feel one definitive way about this. He wanted to feel happy about this; it was what he had wanted all along he had to remind himself again. But mostly he just felt conflicted. He couldn’t even focus on feeling happy about it when there was still just so much unresolved. It felt thoughtless to say that all the pain they each put one another through should just disappear without talking about it just because Jinyoung finally admitted his feelings. He wanted to feel happy, no matter how crazy and stupid, but he just _didn’t_. He felt conflicted and restless, and like he was still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And he hated himself for feeling this way. He should be over the moon, bouncing off the walls, declaring his love for Jinyoung back to him and to anyone who would listen. This should be the turning point into a happy future and he should be so exuberant that nothing could touch him. Instead he felt dread sinking into his gut right alongside those happy stupid butterflies, felt apprehensive and uncertain, and sort of sick. He shouldn’t be feeling this way, he told himself, surprised at himself for feeling so ungrateful as the words and the understanding sunk in. And that scared him, because after all this time, after finally getting what he thought he wanted, he wasn’t even sure what he wanted anymore.

Had Jinyoung initially accepted his feelings, this wouldn’t be happening he knew. Had that fateful moment gone the other way, if Jinyoung had chose him instead of Mark, he would be over the moon. Nothing would be able to touch him and his happiness. But Jinyoung hadn’t and it had sent Jaebum into a tailspin down a path of pain, confusion, and depression. It had changed their relationship, allowing Jinyoung to finally come to terms with his own feelings for Jaebum, but also allowing Jaebum to discover something outside of his and Jinyoung’s relationship. Jaebum’s little world had been so wrapped up in Jinyoung that it had broken him completely to be rejected and Jaebum had to slowly piece himself together again. And he had, becoming maybe a stronger person for it –he wasn’t quite sure but he would hope so- but also discovering the light at the end of the tunnel that had nothing to do with Jinyoung.

“Where does this leave us, Jinyoung?” Jaebum asked suddenly, somewhat hotly in a way that he hadn’t really meant to be but with so many emotions running through him at once it was hard to monitor his own tone. Jinyoung leaned away a little, his grip loosening ever so slightly but still holding strong, looking surprised by the tone and the question.

“What do you mean?” Jinyoung blinked innocently, the perfect expression of naivety.

“Where does this leave us? Does this even change anything at all? Are you choosing me over Mark now? Are you taking back your decision or are you just telling me how you feel so I know?” Jaebum barked out. He felt frustrated by Jinyoung’s naivety, because frustration and anger was easier to process than anything else he was feeling at the moment. Anger had been his default emotion for so long that it was still just so easy to slip back into it, teenage angst and rebellion burning in his veins for far too long before he began to mature and calm the fires.

Jinyoung gaped at him for a moment, blinking wildly and moving his mouth to try and form words and failing for several long seconds. He was clearly flustered by the sudden onslaught of questions, no doubt expecting Jaebum to fall him with open arms and not expecting to get this instead. But Jaebum felt as if they were passed the point of blindly falling into each other. They had done that for far too long, recklessly seeking out pleasure from each other’s bodies for the sake of release alone and not for actual romantic feelings. And when Jaebum had tried to cross that line, he had been cast off instead, resulting in heartbreak all around. They were passed that point of recklessness now and it was time for practical hard truth.

“I-I don’t know, Hyung. I love Mark, but-but I love you too,” Jinyoung stuttered out, clearly flustered.

“Okay . . . ?” Jaebum trailed off in a question, trying to prompt Jinyoung to continue. Jinyoung didn’t, his eyes wide with panic and confusion, but Jaebum didn’t feel any sympathy in the moment, just annoyance. “You realize you declaring your love for me doesn’t just magically fix everything. It just makes everything more complicated. I’m glad you finally realized your true feelings, it’s a step in the right direction, but now you have decisions to make. You have to decide what you want to do with this information, either decide it's not enough and stay with Mark or choose me instead. And I have decisions to make as well.”

Jinyoung’s expression immediately darkened into that now familiar look that he had been giving him for a while now. It was such a harsh change. “You? You have decisions to make? Really?”

Jaebum only nodded calmly. “Yeah, I do, you know I do. This doesn’t change everything that has happened since I confessed to you. This doesn’t just magically make all that disappear.”

He was almost insulted that Jinyoung could think so little of the damage done. This wasn’t just a development that affected the odd love triangle between him, Mark, and Jinyoung. It also affects Jackson as well. It felt almost hypocritical of Jinyoung to think that Jaebum could so easily discard Jackson from this mess while Mark’s presence seemed to carry merit and value.

Jinyoung scowled at him. “So, what, you’re going to pick Jackson now all of a sudden?” he spat out pettily, his already flushed cheeks starting to warm more and get redder as his anger, and perhaps embarrassment over his own foolishness, combined with the effects of the alcohol he had consumed.

The older boy didn’t let the tone get to him, though, and only shrugged calmly. “I don’t know. I have to think it through. This is all pretty sudden and I need time to think it through and decide.”

Jinyoung looked away, his anger deflating almost instantly and he seemed to slump in on himself. Jaebum watched him for several minutes, neither one saying anything into the tension filled room. Jinyoung’s jaw was clenched and Jaebum could see it flexing as he grinded his teeth while thunderous thoughts and emotions rolled off of him eerily. This certainly wasn’t how Jinyoung had expected this to go. After a long moment Jinyoung reached out for the soju bottle from earlier and took another gulp straight from the bottle.

“I don’t want you to be with Jackson. I hate seeing you two together,” Jinyoung said finally, not looking up at him as he spoke.

Jaebum had to bite his tongue to stop himself from pointing out seeing him with Mark wasn’t a walk in the park either. That wouldn’t be helpful in this situation and the environment was already so poisoned and hateful without comments like that. “So does that mean you’re choosing me, then?” he asked instead.

Jinyoung looked up, his eyes acting as a window into all the confusion he was feeling. He shook his head slowly and gave a hopeless shrug. “I don’t know, Hyung. I don’t know. I don’t know how I can choose. It doesn’t feel fair to ask such a thing.”

The older boys tried not to lash out, pressing his lips together in a firm line and clenching his jaw. It took a moment to calm himself before he spoke. “Nothing is fair about this, Jinyoung, but not choosing and stringing us both along isn’t fair to any of us either. It’s not fair to you, or me, or Mark, or even Jackson.”

It was Jinyoung’s turn to lash out, frustration coloring him. “I can’t choose! I can’t choose between you and Mark!” The soju sloshed out of the bottle again as Jinyoung moved suddenly, most of the spill landing on the floor but some splashed across Jaebum’s sleeve. He stared at it in distaste.

“Well, you don’t exactly have that luxury,” he said calmly, shaking his arm out into the air to try and flick off the spilled liquor.

“That’s not fair,” Jinyoung snapped almost immediately and this time Jaebum reached out and took the bottle from him before he made a bigger mess.

Frustrated, Jaebum took a larger gulp straight from the bottle and then stood. He went to the kitchen and set the bottle down, out of the way, before grabbing a mug and the drinking water from the fridge. He returned to the living room quickly, setting both items in front of Jinyoung with perhaps more force than was absolutely necessary but Jaebum really wanted his friend to stop drinking and sober up a bit so he could understand how unreasonable he was being.

Leaning over the table still Jaebum made sure he had Jinyoung’s absolute attention before he spoke in a fierce tone. “No, do you know what’s not fair, it’s you. You honestly can’t expect to drunkenly drop this bomb on me, just when I was started to get over all the bullshit that went down between us, and then just expect me to fall into your arms without some sort of definitive answer from you. That’s not fair.” And then Jaebum was standing up straight again and he was marching back towards the front door.

He needed to get away. The fire was burning hotly under his skin, getting hotter and hotter instead of cooling. The longer he tried to talk to Jinyoung, whose normal rational brain was currently impaired and unable to sense, the more frustrated he got. This wasn’t a conversation either needed to have at the moment. Jinyoung was too drunk, his liquid courage halting the conversation before it really even began, and Jaebum too tired, overwhelmed, and angry to stay and talk things out rationally. It was better to stop now while they were ahead and wait for a better time.

“Where are you going?” Jinyoung demanded, making a sad attempt at getting off the couch. He swayed harshly and then crashed right back into the cushion.

“Out,” Jaebum bit out, toeing his shoes on. Of course, in his anger, he jammed his feet into the first shoes he saw, which happened to be one of Youngjae’s old battered sneakers and one of his own since they were next to each other. The tongue of Youngjae’s sneaker got jammed down into the shoe by accident, stopping him from getting his foot all the way in, but Jaebum didn’t bother to stop and fix it. He wrenched the door open marginally but stopped and whirled around to look back at Jinyoung once more.

“What I don’t understand is what you exactly planned after telling me this. Why bother telling me at all if you aren’t going to make a decision? What did you expect, that you could just somehow have us both? Because that’s not how this works. Or did you think you could keep Mark, and what, I’ll just be content to wait around in the wings while you move on with your happy ending? That by telling me you love me I’ll be happy enough that I won’t mind be your little side bitch and never bother moving on to find my own happiness?”

A part of Jaebum knew he was being harsh, letting his anger speak and rule instead of letting himself feel and sort out all the other conflicting emotions in him. But he just felt so spent, so emotionally and physically drained by the week, the stress and confusion, and the frustration from the current situation that he honestly didn’t have any more energy to police himself. He would probably regret getting so heated later, letting his anger get the best of him, but for the moment he didn’t care. A part of him, a sick mean spirited part of him, even relished the power his hurtful words on Jinyoung, his drunken expression distressed as he sat slouched on the couch. He would regret it later, he always regretted hurting Jinyoung in any way, but for the moment he felt content knowing it wasn’t him hurting for a change; Jinyoung was the one finally on the receiving end of some heartache.

“Jaebum-hyung,” Jinyoung called desperately from inside the dorm but Jaebum was already shaking his head and starting to turn away.

“Sober up and get your shit together. Then we can talk about this,” he grit out, pivoting and rushing out the door without a backward glance. The door slammed behind him harshly, locking with a mechanical click, but the noise barely registered to him as he nearly crashed into the person standing just outside their door. Jaebum let out a muffled curse with surprise widened eyes as he stared into Mark’s even gaze.

They stood in an awkward silence for a few long moments. Jaebum blinked in surprise before he looked over his shoulder at the closed door behind him. Even over the music, they would clearly hear Jinyoung moving around the dorm, no doubt bumbling around gracelessly judging by the racket he was making. Jaebum turned slowly to stare back at Mark; suddenly very uneasy knowing Mark, and probably all of their hateful neighbors, probably heard a good earful.

“How much of that did you hear?” he forced out.

“Enough,” Mark said evenly, as calm and casual as if they were talking about the weather.

Jaebum sighed and hung his head in shame, the feeling of regret he knew he was going to feel confronting him much quicker than he thought it would. It was one thing for that awful conversation to just be between the two of them, but a totally different thing to know that Mark had overheard a good majority of it. The feeling of guilt for being so harsh would have gotten to him eventually, much later on when he had a chance to cool off and think everything through. But this made that guilt come much sooner.

“Look,” he started, trying to figure out a way to somehow explain how the conversation had gone so terribly wrong. He had no idea at which point Mark had started listening in so he didn’t know how each person had come off as from an outsider’s point of view.

He didn’t get far in his explanation, however, because Mark quickly stopped him by talking over him. It was sort of an odd thing for him to do, as Mark was generally a really quiet guy and he was usually the one who often was talked over because he was so quiet. So as soon as the older boy started talking Jaebum immediately shut his mouth in shock alone. And then Mark’s words actually started registering to him and after that he wouldn’t be able to find any words even if he tried.

“You and Jinyoung obviously have a very complicated relationship. I knew that going into this, I’m not stupid or painfully oblivious as you and Jinyoung seem to think I am. You two aren’t subtle, you two love each other in a way that I may never truly understand and I have long since accepted it, way before even you two seemed to figure it out. And I knew from the start that there was a chance that I would someday lose him to you, that he would someday realize his feelings for you and drop me for you, but that didn’t stop me from falling for him.”

Mark paused here, collecting his thoughts while Jaebum stood dumbly in a shocked silence. Idly, he realized belatedly that he should have seen it coming. Mark was quiet, but he was deep and loyal and, more importantly, he was very smart. It was foolish of him to think that Mark wouldn’t see the little dance he and Jinyoung were constantly doing. Jackson had so easily seen it, seen the love they held for one another, so it only made sense that Mark could see it too.

(Jaebum looked up then, making eye contact with Mark. The slightly older man was still very bleary-eyed from the alcohol; the chance of him very suddenly sobering up in an instant was very thin after all. But he looked oddly serious and knowing. Jaebum froze, feeling his blood run cold as Mark stared practically into his soul.)

Mark continued again after a moment, this cynical smile on his face. “Jinyoung just has this something about him that I knew from the moment I met him that I was a goner. Even with this strange complicated something you two had going on, even when I knew that this was something so complicated that I shouldn’t get involved, I fell for him anyways,” he paused shaking his head and running a hand through his hair for a moment.

“I don’t make friends easy, I’m quiet and sort of guarded. The room doesn’t light when I walk in, but it does for Jinyoung. Everything is just brighter when he’s there, especially when he smiles those genuine big smiles were his eyes crinkle up. He’s like my own personal source of sunshine, if that makes any sense, and once I realized that there really wasn’t any going back for me.”

Jaebum nodded slowly, thinking back to his own experiences with Jinyoung. Mark and Jaebum were very similar in some ways, different in others but similar enough that Jaebum knew exactly what Mark was trying to say now. Both of the older boys didn’t make friends easy, too guarded for different reasons to let people approach them and let themselves open up to a stranger after only knowing them for only so long. By nature, though they each had their moments where they were as bright and sunny as the next person, they were darker people with quieter personalities. Jinyoung wasn’t like them; he was warm and drew people to him even if he could sometimes be moody, people weren’t afraid to approach him like they were with them. Jaebum knew exactly what Mark was trying to say as it wasn’t the first time that he had thought that Jinyoung was the light to Jaebum’s darkness.

“I know what you mean,” Jaebum said slowly, thoughtfully.

Mark must not have expected him to say that, to agree so easily that he took a moment to study the slightly younger boy. Jaebum could practically see Mark trying to determine if he had actually meant what he said and if he did understand exactly what he had been trying to say. And he seemed almost off put by the truthfulness in Jaebum’s answer, like he hadn’t wanted Jaebum to get it. Maybe because it would be easier to argue that he was the right one for Jinyoung if Jaebum just didn’t get him the way he did.

Mark looked away with a defeated demeanor as he stared at his shoes for a long moment. He sucked in a troubled breath, like whatever he was trying to say next physically hurt him to force out. Jaebum found himself automatically tensing, preparing for whatever harm Mark’s next words were going to inflict on him.

“I don’t want you to take him away from me, I’m selfish enough to want to keep him forever. But I knew going into this that it was never my decision. I love him too much to make him stay if loving you is going to make him happier. Whatever decision you two make I’ll support it, but you two need to make a decision soon because this hovering in the in-between, this stupid dance you two are doing, is driving me nuts. I just need to know one way or the other.”

Mark had started out speaking softly, dismally even, but as he neared the end of his little speech his tone got sharper, frustration coloring his words. Jaebum realized for the first time how unfair this was to Mark, to be with someone who was constantly looking at someone else even if they still stayed committed to them physically.   Physically Jinyoung had been faithful, but emotional he hadn’t been, whether he planned it or not.

Jaebum took a deep breath, “Mark,” he started, but he didn’t really know what he had planned to say. This felt like a theme in his life, knowing he should say or doing something but not knowing how to do it. He just felt completely out of him depth in all aspects of his life.

Thankfully, sort of, he didn’t have to say anything. A loud crash suddenly came from inside the dorm, followed by the sound of Jinyoung’s muffled cursing. Mark was immediately in action, pushing around Jaebum who still stood shock still unable to process anything at the moment. The older boy got to the keypad and was punching in the code as he spoke.

“Go, clear your head, you won’t be any good with your head in the clouds. I’ll take care of him, make sure he doesn’t hurt himself while he sobers up,” Mark muttered and then wrenched the door open. He slipped in wordlessly, letting the dorm close and lock behind him audibly. Jaebum stood for a long few minutes; listening to Mark’s quiet mutterings on the other side of the door and Jinyoung’s louder drunken protests that quieted down slowly as Mark got him to cooperate.

Jaebum eventually got his feet moving, knowing he couldn’t awkwardly stand in the hall all night. Youngjae and the maknaes would be back eventually and he really didn’t want to have to explain why he was moping around outside. He couldn’t go back in either, not ready to face Jinyoung until he sobered up. He also didn’t want to put Mark in the position of having to mediate between them while they tried to decide their future, and whether or not he was going to be in it with them. They were already acting shitty enough to Mark and he didn’t deserve that awfulness too. They were already awful people for making him suffer through this so silently for so long, they couldn’t force him to do more. And knowing Mark, he would do it too, being so in love with Jinyoung that he would do anything for him even if it hurt him in the process. Jaebum might be selfish and almost want to have someone there for support and to keep the two of them on track, but he wasn’t that selfish. He wouldn’t do that to Mark.

So instead he forced his feet to move, somewhat robotically, down the stairs and out the door. The cool night air actually felt good where as it had felt miserable on the way home after work when all he wanted was to crawl into bed. Now, breathing in the cool crisp night air, Jaebum felt his head starting to clearly slightly. Jaebum shoved his hands in the pocket of his jacket, tilted his head back to stare up at the dark sky even if he could never see enough stars here in the polluted city, and walked without a destination. He tried not to think too hard about everything that transpired in the last few hours, weeks, or months. He just walked, focusing on his breathing, the feel of his cheeks slowly started to grow numb from the cold, the never-ending sounds of the city even as dark took over and most had settled down to sleep. He just walked.

He hadn’t been paying attention to where he was going until his body, already tired from a long week and then from all the fighting, slowly started to let its exhaustion be known once more. His feet were killing him from being on them all day, his legs starting to feel as if they weighed a ton. Jaebum wanted to crawl back into his bed now more than ever, feeling sore, raw, and just so damn beat, like everything from his body and soul had been put through the wringer. He looked around, trying to figure out where he was so he could figure out where he should actually go, even if he just sat down somewhere and rested a bit. Luckily, the streets were familiar, his body moving automatically towards the university campus even while his mind had been occupied. He was actually a block away from Jackson’s place. Jaebum quickly decided his direction before he could second-guess himself.

Jackson lived in the campus housing, a small dorm he shared with two other students as part of his program as a Chinese foreigner studying abroad here in South Korea. Technically since it was campus housing, it was closer to all his classes and even closer to work than Jaebum’s cheap dorm was. Jackson just seemed to like Jaebum’s shared dorm more than his own, saying it felt homier, and so he spent a lot of time there versus his own. He hadn’t quite moved himself in like the maknaes had; he didn’t bring any of his belongings with him other than a change of clothes if he had permission to stay out from his dorm, still went back to his dorm every night for curfew and do his own things before he returned to Jaebum’s dorm where he spent a fair majority of his time. It wasn’t as if Jackson had a problem with his own dorm, or his roommates for that matter since Jackson was so friendly and lovable that it didn’t seem possible for them to not get along. Jackson just liked being with Jaebum and their little hodgepodge group of miscreants more.

Jaebum didn’t bother to call or text Jackson to let him know he was coming over. By the time he realized he probably should he was already outside the building. He pulled out his phone, noting that he did have a text from the boy in question no doubt responding to the text he had sent earlier complaining about his day. He ignored the text, however, hitting the speed dial to connect to Jackson’s cell. Jaebum waited four long rings, anxious tapping his foot while he waited, until Jackson answered with a casual “hey” in English.

“I’m outside, come let me in,” Jaebum said in response, skipping the greeting all together. After being out in the cold for so long, and now much more aware than he was before when he was just wandering around, he was freezing and wanted to get out of the cold.

“What?” Jackson asked, clearly bewildered. Jaebum knew it was against the dormitory rules for Jackson to let him in, it was way past visiting hours and he didn’t have a visiting pass. Honestly it was much easier for Jackson to come over to Jaebum’s dorm, since he lived off campus independently, free to come and go as they please. But Jaebum was just desperate enough to want to risk it.

For what it was worth Jackson didn’t question it, no doubt hearing the desperation in his voice. Assuring him he would be down in a moment Jackson hung up. Jaebum didn’t have to wait long until he could see Jackson creeping towards the door. He opened the door quickly, looking around guiltily and ushering him in. “Let’s be quick, I don’t want to get caught,” Jackson muttered quietly and together they crept up the stairs back up towards Jackson’s dorm.

They made it up to Jackson’s dorm without trouble, but Jackson still practically pushed Jaebum inside once he got the door open. Jaebum cursed under his breath as he stumbled in and glowered at his friend. Jackson, who hadn’t bothered to put on his shoes for the little trip, moved immediately into the dorm while Jaebum slowly removed his shoes from his frozen feet. Jooheon, one of Jackson’s roommates and a pretty great guy, casually leaned back in the old chair that creaked every time he moved and gave a small wave.

“Out for a midnight stroll?” he questioned innocently before he went back to whatever was occupying him at his small desk. A glance at the screen of the laptop in front of him revealed some sort of pixelated game.

“Something like that,” Jaebum muttered and then frowned. “Sorry to interrupt. I don’t want to get you guys in trouble.”

Jooheon waved him off, continuing to click away on the keys of his laptop. “It’s not a big deal. Plus, you look like hell so it’s not like we can kick you out with good conscience,” he joked, before sticking the end of a candy rope in his mouth and chewing away happily. Jaebum flicked him in the back of the head as he passed.

Jaebum glanced at the top bunk above Jackson’s bed, checking to see why Namjoon, Jackson’s other roommate, was so quiet. The boys was clearly already asleep, snoring away softly with music blasting in his ears. Both guys were pretty cool. They were good friends to Jackson, and to Jaebum too though he didn’t hang out with them off campus often. He trusted them to be chill about his impromptu rule breaking sleepover.

Jaebum joined Jackson on the small bottom bunk, curling up in the corner while Jackson leaned against the wall on the other end. Jackson stared at him wordlessly before getting up suddenly and going into the narrow closet next to his bed, practically overflowing with clothes. He rooted around for a moment before removing a pair of sweatpants and a large sweatshirt that he tossed at his friend.

“I’m cold just looking at you, change into these and warm up,” Jackson muttered before he crawled into his bed again. Jaebum didn’t protest.

He hesitated after folding up his clothes and setting it off to the side. Jackson had laid down when he crawled back into bed, already swaddled in the large printed comforter and scrolling through apps on his phone. He didn’t even look away from his phone, making an effort to ignore him while he made the decision about what he wanted to do next, decide whether or not to curl up awkwardly in the corner or blur the lines of platonic friends a bit and cuddle up with him.

Jaebum glanced at Jooheon self-consciously, wondering if the other boy was judging them but the boy was completely ignoring them with the thick headphones he had replaced over his ears and was happily clicking away. The need to lie down and rest eventually won out over self consciousness and he slowly crawled into the bed with Jackson. Instead of curling up in the corner he nudged Jackson over a little and wedged himself into the bed against the wall. Jackson scooted over to accommodate him and curled up as close as he could so they both could fit in the narrow space.

“So, not that I’m complaining,” Jackson began as soon as they got settled comfortably, “but to what do I owe the pleasure of this little visit to?”

Jaebum snuggled closer to Jackson, tucking his chin towards his chest and trying to block out the world. Jackson automatically curled closer to him and the older boy basked in the warmth. He finally felt as if he was beginning to thaw out and the warmth of Jackson's body was doing wonders for him. Not to mention having Jackson actually hold him and offer comfort, even if didn’t know what exactly for, was doing more for him than he was willing to admit. It felt nice, natural even, and it was exactly what he needed after such a terrible night.

“Jinyoung and I got into it, argued. He was drunk and it didn’t help things,” he muttered quietly.

Jackson leaned away slightly to look at him better. “Do you wanna talk about it?” he questioned.

But that was actually the last thing he wanted to do. He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to even think about it anymore. He just wanted to curl up and go to sleep, to let this stupid night and this stupid week be over with already. He was just so tired, of this back and forth and all the pain and heartache. He was just over it and he just needed a break from it, if only for a moment. And Jackson could very easily give him that break without even having to be asked.

“No, not right now.” Maybe not ever, though he knew realistically that was an irrational and childish dream. He couldn’t run away from this forever, leaving them all hanging in limbo for so long. It’s been too long already, Jaebum needed to decide what he wanted.

Just not tonight.

Jackson didn’t push, simply curling up and settling in for sleep. “Alright. I’ll be here when you are ready.” Jaebum could only hum in response, settling in to rest. He was asleep within the next few minutes, his exhaustion finally taking over and fully pulling him under.

When he woke up he was momentarily confused at the unfamiliar location. Jackson’s dorm had specific rules and a guest staying overnight was definitely not allowed so Jaebum had never woken up in Jackson’s bed before. The confusion only last a few moments, it all immediately came rushing back to him when Jackson shifted in his sleep, accidently shifting his bony knee into the flesh of Jaebum’s thigh. Jaebum groaned and rolled away, looking around the room and making eye contact with Namjoon as he quietly shuffled around to get ready. Jooheon was still snoring away in the bed across from them, his blankets bunched up around him haphazardly.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you,” Namjoon said softly, bouncing awkwardly while he tried to get his legs into the pant leg of his jeans half asleep.

Jaebum waved him off, disengaging himself from Jackson slowly and carefully as to not wake him. It took some awkward shuffling, and he had been on the inside of the bed, against the wall, so he had sloppily climb over Jackson’s sleeping form to get out of the bed, all without knocking his head on the bunk above him. Namjoon watched him struggle out of the bed without comment but with a small teasing smile on his face the entire time.

“I live with Bambam and Yugyeom, arguably the two loudest people next to Jackson himself, so I’m not worried about a little noise here and there,” he said as soon as he stood on even footing off the bed.

Adjusting his borrowed sleep rumpled clothes he moved over to the desk in the corner, Jackson’s desk, and chatted with Namjoon as the younger boy got ready for class, one of the unfortunate souls who had one last final that morning while everyone else had finished up their finals and were in party mode. Namjoon didn’t linger long, rushing off rather quickly once he was dressed and ready to go so he could have a little bit to cram last minute before his exam. Jaebum wished him good luck from his seat as he rushed out the door, leaving Jaebum to his thoughts in the quiet snore filled dorm.

He stared out the window in front of Jackson’s desk, the window overlooking the small courtyard of sorts below them. It was almost completely empty out there, most people taking advantage of being able to sleep in now that finals were over. Only a few people were exiting the building and going about their day, where as it normally would be bustling with activity as people rushed off to early morning classes. Jaebum stared transfixed for a long time, the relative stillness of the morning making him feel eerily peaceful, at least for the moment.

Honestly, it was sort of a weird feeling after hurting for so long. Jaebum hadn’t felt at peace for an extended amount of time in a long time, too much constantly going on for him to relax a bit. The dorm always had someone getting into something or being too loud and chaotic at all times, never allowing for a peaceful morning or night. Not that Jaebum didn’t love the dorm and all his roommates, because he did and he wouldn’t change it for a second because they were each like a sibling he never had as an only child and it was truly wonderful. But sometimes it was just nice to be able to step away and sit in the quiet for a moment, clear his head, and not have to worry about what they were getting into while he wasn’t looking. And without anyone to disturb him it was a good time for him to think through everything.

Jaebum dug out his phone from his discarded jean pocket after a moment, checking his email and notifications like he usually did when he woke up. He had a few alerts from different apps, but nothing of importance and mostly some junk mail or advertisements for sales at different stores he frequented. He did have one text message, from Mark, which he checked after a deep breath to gather his courage.

“ _I put Jinyoung to bed and kept him from drunk dialing you. You’re welcome_ ,” it read, having arrived at nearly three in the morning. Jaebum had already been curled up in bed with Jackson, peacefully sleeping, while Mark had been dealing with a stubborn, undoubtedly moody, drunken Jinyoung. He was extremely grateful that he hadn’t had to deal with that last night, he wouldn’t have been able to handle it without completely losing his sanity.

Turning to stare back out the window, Jaebum slowly let his thoughts consume him. He already felt as if he was losing his sanity with this big mess. He couldn’t help but wish he could just go back to when things were so much less complicated, before he had confessed his feelings, before Mark had entered the picture, before he and Jinyoung had started sleeping with one another, before Jaebum was even aware of the romantic feelings he had for his best friend. Whether he realized it or not, things had slowly been getting more and more complicated, building up with each passing year, each day, each moment. And finally things had come to a head, built up so much tension and pressure that it had exploded in one gigantic chaotic clusterfuck of resolved feelings and confusion. It truly was a mess.

The problem now was that he didn’t know exactly what he wanted now. Had this happened before, back before Jinyoung had broken his heart and made him put it back together by himself, things would be so easy for him now. He would be overjoyed, but now all he felt was conflicted. Jinyoung was his best friend and his first love. He was the one to introduce him to a different side of himself, the deeper sexual side of him since he hadn’t been interested in any of the girls that followed and crowded him in school beyond a date here and there and a quick meaningless fumble to lose his virginity. Jinyoung had made him feel things that he didn’t know were possible, both romantically and physically. And as many wonderful things he had made him feel, there were also a lot of not so wonderful things he had made him feel as well. Longing, frustration, jealousy, heartbreak and angst, deep depression and anger. The two had certainly been through a lot, put each other through the wringer as much as they lifted one another up. It felt almost unfair for it to all to come to an end now like this, like everything they had been through had been for not.

But at the same time, was it really supposed to be like this? Was true love supposed to be this hard? Wasn’t it supposed to come easy? If they were meant for one another, in both a friendly way and a romantic way, shouldn’t they just know instead of both of them being caught between two truly wonderful people that also make them happy? If they were truly meant for another shouldn’t picking one another come easy to them? There shouldn’t be so much bewilderment and conflict, right?

Jaebum sighed and rotated the chair away from the window, turning to look at Jackson sleeping peacefully in his bed. He had hated that both Mark and Jackson were now dragged into this. Both were such truly wonderful people who certainly deserved more than to be saddled into the awkward tangled web that Jaebum and Jinyoung had spun. They each could easily find other, better people to fall for, but instead they had found them instead.

At least with Mark, Jinyoung knew that he loved him. Mark had gone into this with eyes wide open and still had fallen head over heels for Jinyoung like he was the sun. Jaebum didn’t blame him; Jinyoung had a certain something that just drew people to him. It was certainly the reason why Jaebum was having such a hard time giving him up, even when he didn’t know Jinyoung felt the same way about him and had thought that Mark and him had been a perfectly happy couple, back when there hadn’t been hope for him and he had thought he needed to move on. He had still struggled; still saw Jinyoung as the light in the room.

But then he had met Jackson, and if Jinyoung was the light in the room, it was as if Jackson was the sun. Jinyoung lit up the room and drew you in closer, but Jackson lit up the world, offered warmth and comfort with just a smile and laugh, and sustained life by making you feel special and relaxed, and blessed for having him in your life. Jackson opened up Jaebum’s dark world, made him happier and more at peace with himself and everything else in his life while he struggled to deal with the heartbreak and despair he felt over Jinyoung. Being with Jackson felt natural and made him feel alive again, made him feel less weighed down by his own darkness and responsibilities, if only for a little while, and Jaebum had selfishly chased that feeling without thought about how or why he was feeling this way.

Jackson having feelings for him, and him actually having feelings back, blindsided Jaebum just like Jinyoung finally returning his feelings had blindsided him. Jaebum had been so caught up in his own shit and trying to feel better that he didn’t even stop to think about what he was feeling until Jackson was kissing him and it had felt so good and natural that it honestly scared him. Jinyoung was his first love, but given the opportunity, Jaebum was starting to realize that he could certainly love Jackson just as much, if not more. Jaebum had thought about it a lot during this past week, sitting in silence waiting for Jinyoung to speak to him again left him plenty of time to mull over things concerning Jackson and given the chance Jaebum could certainly allow the feelings he already had to grow and expand, instead of smothering and stomping it down like he had been doing for years now with his feelings for Jinyoung.

(“But don’t let him sway you before you have a chance to really consider me. Because I can make you happy too if you only give me a chance to,” Jackson said turning away and disappearing down the stairs before Jaebum had a moment to even process it.)

Still, Jaebum found himself hesitating. Admitting he had feelings for both Jackson and Jinyoung was certainly was a step in the right direction, just like how Jinyoung finally coming to term with his own feelings were certainly good in the long run as well, but he still didn’t know what to do about it. Jinyoung still had Mark, and while a part of him didn’t want to factor him into his decision about his and Jinyoung’s future, he couldn’t help but think about all the heartbreak he had felt when Jinyoung had chosen Mark over him and he knew that if Jinyoung changed his mind now, and Jaebum allowed it, then Mark was going to face that very same misery. And Jaebum didn’t wish that sort of pain on anyone, not even an enemy let alone a great guy and friend like Mark. It felt unfair, but it also didn’t set well with him if he made his decision based on someone else instead of truly examining his own feelings.

Also, while he would go to bat to say that both Jinyoung and Jackson were great guys and that anyone would be lucky to have them, neither really felt like a safe option to him at the moment. With Jackson, he felt such new and different things and it certainly felt wonderful but it was also very scary too. Jackson, with his sunshine lighting up Jaebum’s world, made him feel things he hadn’t felt with Jinyoung, a different kind of love-if it was even love at his point-though Jaebum wasn’t sure at this point which love was actually better. He had already been hurt enough that he was afraid now to jump into something or someone else, especially with all the new and great things he was already feeling. While Jackson was asking for a chance, he didn’t have that surety like Jinyoung had with Mark that Jackson was going to love him forever. And he genuinely couldn’t take having his heart broken again.

With Jinyoung, the two certainly had a full history and plenty of time for Jaebum’s love to grow. But given the choice, Jaebum had been stepped on and it was the worst thing he had ever felt before. Jinyoung returning his love certainly felt nice, but their relationship had already been dealt a devastating blow and if he truly thought about it, Jaebum didn’t know if he could simply forgive Jinyoung for hurting him so badly. Returning his feelings now didn’t erase all the destruction done before, and they were both going to need time to work through all the shit that resulted in Jinyoung’s decision before they were truly back in a healthy place where they could love one another without hurting each other. And given all that work that would need to be done, Jaebum didn’t know if he could trust Jinyoung to fight for him, if he could trust that he wasn’t going to change his mind again when things got tough.

What it was coming down to, Jaebum was starting to realize, was different things. While his feelings for Jinyoung were certainly stronger after so many years, his feelings for Jackson were still so new, Jaebum had a lot of trust issues with Jinyoung that was bleeding into his new feelings for Jackson. If he said yes to Jinyoung, they would have to completely start fresh and work to rebuild the trust in their relationship and try not to destroy each other in the process. And they would destroy each other, if they weren’t able to work out the trust issues and all their miscommunications, they were doing such of good job of it already and they weren’t even together yet. And with Jackson, while his feelings for Jackson were still new, they felt natural and a little like coming home but lingering feelings for Jinyoung and a crippling fear of getting hurt once more was holding him back. If he said yes to Jackson, he would have to work with himself to break himself of all the terrible habits he had learned over the years. He would have to learn to trust again, to allow himself to let his feelings be known instead of locking them away. Jaebum was emotionally constipated and that wasn’t going to change over night. And while there was no guarantee that he won’t drive Jackson nuts and drive him away, Jackson so far has been with him this whole time, helping him pick up and put back together the sorry excuse of his broken soul.

Jaebum moved slowly, still feeling raw and a little confused, but somehow he felt as if he had started to take a step in one direction instead of hovering uncertainly at the crossroads. He still wasn’t sure if he were moving in the right direction, it would take time for him to really know if he had made the right decision, but he was following his gut.

He dressed quietly, discarding Jackson’s sweatpants but deciding that he was keeping the sweatshirt on, too comfy in it in the moment to bother taking it off. Once dressed and making sure he had had his phone with him, he knelt down next to Jackson’s bed and shook the foreigner awake gently. Jackson let out a little groan, waking up rather quickly but still looking around in drowsy confusion one has when they first wake up. It was cute and Jaebum had to fight the urge to kiss him.

“Hey, I just wanted to wake you and say goodbye before I leave,” he muttered to his sleepy friend, absentmindedly stroking his hand across Jackson’s chest in a soothing manner since he felt bad for waking him.

Jackson blinked drowsily and nodded his head, catching Jaebum’s hand and intertwining them in a loose grip over his heart without thought. “Do you wanna talk about everything with Jinyoung before you leave?” Jackson asked, sitting up a bit to lean on his elbows as he started to wake up fully.

Jaebum shook his head slowly, not ready to speak of Jinyoung quite yet. His decision still felt so fragile in his head and actually talking about it might confuse him more, make him second guess things when they didn’t need to be second guessed. He had to trust his gut on this one, not his head, and he didn’t want to give himself any opportunity to lose his courage.

Still, he couldn’t help from asking his next question, looking for some reassurance. “You realize that I’m a mess, right? That I have all sorts of trust issues and don’t know how to talk or express my feelings. I’m going to be a lot of work. Are you sure you like me enough to deal with all that?”

Jackson sat up fully now, his expression earnest and the loose grip on Jaebum’s hand tightening. “I’m well aware, Hyung. I know it's not going to be an easy road, especially with the whole Jinyoung thing, but I also think that you’re worth it, that _we_ are worth it.”

Jaebum nodded slowly, letting the words sink in. He knew that Jackson meant it, meant each word he said because he could see the truth of it in his large wide loving eyes. Jackson was devoted to this, willing to give this a chance and make it something great. All Jaebum had to do was jump and have faith that the younger boy would catch him.

Surging forward, Jaebum leaned up from his crouched position to lock his lips with Jackson’s, trying to let him feel what he felt through this kiss since he was so bad with words. He hoped his actions spoke louder than the words that refused to pass his lips, that the passion he put into the kiss communicate what he couldn’t. The moan Jackson let out in response was promising and he soon felt Jackson’s hands reaching for him, trying to pull him closer and up off the floor and into the bed with him. But Jaebum knew he couldn’t lose himself in this kiss now, not with so much still unresolved and left hanging in the air.

Jaebum pulled away reluctantly, hating every second but still needing to keep his head. “I can’t, I need to go talk to Jinyoung,” he said, leaning up still and pressing his forehead against Jackson’s.

It seemed to be the wrong thing to say in the moment, Jackson’s face scrunching up momentarily to show his wariness. Jackson obviously knew that Jinyoung was Jaebum’s weakness, and as a result he had a pretty good track record of just giving into Jinyoung and giving him whatever he wanted. And with the lingering feelings Jaebum still had, will probably always have, it was understandable for Jackson to be nervous now. But Jaebum had no intention of changing his mind now.

Giving Jackson one more chaste kiss, he pulled away and went to the door. Toeing on his mismatched shoes, Jaebum tried to reassure his friend by giving him a small smile. “I’ll call you when I’m done talking to Jinyoung. Go back to sleep.”

“Bye, Jaebum-hyung,” Jooheon suddenly called sleepily from his bed.

“How long have you been awake?” Jackson asked sounding alarmed that his roommate might have witnessed the intimate moment between them. Jaebum chuckled once, giving a small wave and using Jackson’s distraction to slip out.

Jaebum had to sneak out of the building, something that actually took more effort than he thought it would, but soon Jaebum began his walk back to his own dorm. It was a little warmer out today than it was last night, so the walk wasn’t too bad, but the closer he got to home the more nervous he got. This was it, he knew, and he didn’t know how exactly how it was all going to go down. But he had made his choice and it was time to put an end the constant back and forth.

It was chaos as usually when he finally got home, stopping by the front door to remove his shoes before he fully entered the dorm. The maknaes were wrestling in the middle of their living room, Yugyeom superior strength and build giving him the advantage. BamBam, as a result, was letting out shrill undignified yelps as he tried to untangle himself but Yugyeom, grinning mischievously, had him pinned down pretty well. Youngjae, surprisingly awake considering he liked to sleep in, was laughing at the two, cheering Yugyeom on from his position on the couch. He could hear movement in the kitchen, someone rattling dishes and perhaps cooking something, and if Jaebum had to guess he would say it was probably Mark in there. Because it sure wasn’t Jinyoung, as the younger boy was currently curled up in a small ball at the opposite end of the couch as Youngjae, a blanket tucked around him so tightly that all Jaebum could really see of him was a lump of blanket and the top of his messy hair sticking out of it.

“Oh, Jaebum-hyung, you’re home. Were you out all night?” Yugyeom questioned as he noticed Jaebum standing by the door, not letting up on BamBam for a second.

“Hyung, did you get lucky?” BamBam yelled. His voice came out muffled by the awkward position he was currently in but he was still unable to stop himself from making an inappropriate joke.

Jaebum’s answer was halted as Jinyoung lifted his head from the bundle of blankets. He certainly looked more than a little worse for wear, his hair uncombed and tousled. His face, scrunched up in discomfort, looked a shade or two paler than it normally was and the dark bags under his puffy eyes did nothing to help his appearance. There was a glass of water near him, no doubt Mark trying to hydrate him and help his obvious hangover any way he can.

Jinyoung’s puffy eyes met his in an intense gaze, probably a notch too intense given his current state. Jaebum stared back evenly, not allowing himself to waver. He felt oddly determined now, staring back at his best friend’s haggard but intense scrutiny. This really had gone on for far too long already, hurting each other and everyone else involved, however unintentional, at every turn. It was time to end this, to stop all the confusion and allow everyone involved the chance to finally move on and just be happy.

Without having to say a word, Jinyoung stood up; keeping the blanket wrapped around his shoulders, he crossed the room with as much dignity as a person could while cocooned in an overly plush comforter. He shouldered past Jaebum wordlessly and slipped on a pair of shoes and exited the dorm purposefully. The younger boys stared at him in confusion, looking to Jaebum for an answer as to why Jinyoung would leave so suddenly, and without bothering to make himself presentable. Jaebum ignored the looks, glancing towards the kitchen in time to see Mark leaning out to stare at him meaningfully.

“I’ll be back,” he told Mark and then he too turned to exit the door, offering no explanation to the younger boys.

Instead of going down, Jaebum went up the stairs, climbing until he reached the door that lead up to the roof. It wasn’t technically off limits to them but it was certainly frowned upon by their landlady to hang out on the roof. They didn’t do it often, but when they really just needed a moment away from everyone else, this is where Jaebum and Jinyoung could always find each other. Jinyoung was there, of course, looking absolutely ridiculous bundled up in the blanket, mismatched shoes, disheveled hair and sleep-deprived puffy eyes, and a grumpy face to match. Jaebum didn’t comment on it, knowing it wasn’t nearly the time to make light of anything with such a serious conversation about to happen, but it didn’t mean he didn’t take silent enjoyment out of it either. It wasn’t so often that Jinyoung appeared so rumpled, after all.

Jaebum moved past where Jinyoung as leaning against the waist height heating and cooling unit installed on the roof. He went all the way to the small wall bordering the entire rooftop and leaned his elbows down on top of it, relaxing if only for the moment. Neither said anything for a long time, both sitting quietly in the morning air and looking out over the city. Idly Jaebum realized that the bright morning sun probably wasn’t doing any favors for Jinyoung’s hangover, judging by the scrunch of discomfort on his face, but Jaebum ignored this for the moment, knowing they weren’t likely to find any other private moment.

“Nice sweatshirt,” Jinyoung commented idly after probably ten minutes of silence, sounding vaguely bitter but mostly resigned.

The comment startled Jaebum and he had to really look at the sweatshirt to understand Jinyoung’s meaning. Jaebum pulled at the bottom of the sweatshirt, angling the fabric so he could see if he could see anything offensive about it. It was mostly plain, black in color and baggy, even considering that it was Jackson’s who was smaller than Jaebum. The only thing on the front was the Hong Kong flag over the left breast but, after a moment to realize exactly which sweatshirt it was, Jaebum knew from seeing Jackson wear it enough that it very proudly, probably a bit too boldly for his own taste, had "WANG" sprawled out over the shoulders and "2011 Asian Junior and Cadet Fencing Championship" down the middle on the back. Jaebum stood to his full height and turned around so that his back was no longer facing Jinyoung, and very proudly flaunting that he wasn’t wearing his own clothes, and simply crossed his arms over his chest without a word.

He met Jinyoung’s gaze and they both said nothing for several long minutes afterwards, but it was clear that they had shifted from enjoying the quiet to getting down to business even if words hadn’t been exchanged yet. Jinyoung looked oddly calm, resigned even, like he knew what Jaebum had chosen without him even having to say anything. It almost felt anticlimactic, after building up for so long for this to end so peacefully and without Jinyoung really putting up a fight.

He was surprised to find he was almost disappointed, it upset him a little that after putting him through so much, after sustaining such an odd friendship for so long with so many ups and downs, that when given the chance Jinyoung wasn’t going to fight for him. Because, had circumstances been different and had Jinyoung had been the one to have to make the choice now, Jaebum would have fought for him. If he really wanted this to work out, for them to be together, he would have fought. And maybe Jinyoung would too, if he really thought they should be together, but he wasn’t, and it saddened Jaebum a little.

But he was also relieved. This was already going to be hard enough without Jinyoung fighting him the entire time. They were putting an end to a side of their relationship that had grown from nothing into first love. Taking a friendship and letting it change into a romantic one altered everything about their relationship. And it was good for a time, Jaebum wouldn’t be the man he was today if it weren’t for Jinyoung and the feelings of love he had for him. But for far too long this relationship had been strained, both trying to be normal while hiding their real feelings, and holding each other back from really exploring good relationships. They weren’t supportive best friends anymore, but two people stuck in the same place, holding on to something that might not have ever really been meant to be, and needing to move on. This felt better, to get his best friend back after all the bullshit, and it felt almost amicable, like Jinyoung had thought it through too and realized the same things he had.

“So this is it then,” Jinyoung muttered at last, tucking his chin into the plush blanket and hiding a bit.

“Yeah, it is, but it's better this way.”

Jinyoung looked up then, his eyes sad in a way that Jaebum hadn’t seen in a long time. “I love you, hyung,” he muttered brokenly.

Jaebum stepped forward and reached out automatically. Pulling the blanket away from him a bit to allow him to actually get to his best friend, he quickly pulled him into a tight hug, tucking the younger one into his chest and resting his chin on the top of Jinyoung’s head. Jinyoung made no noise, clutching him back with equal fervor, but Jaebum knew without having to look that there were now tears slowly seeping into the thick fabric of Jackson’s sweatshirt.

“I love you, too,” he said simply, but sincerely.

Jaebum knew they would have made each other happy, given the chance. Their relationship would have taken a lot of work and it wouldn’t have been an easy road, but if they really tried they could have been very happy together. But at the same time, when they each had people who could make them even happier without all that work, Jaebum knew it was better to walk away now and let all four of them have a chance to be truly happy. Because even if he tried his damnedest, he would never be able to look at Jinyoung like Mark does, especially not after meeting Jackson. They would make each other happy, sure, but not like way Mark would. Why throw away something extraordinary for ordinary?

“I love you, Park Jinyoung,” he started while hugging his friend even tighter, “but Mark loves you just as much, perhaps more. And I know that you love him too. You are like his very own personal sunshine and even I can’t deny how you light up with him. I don’t think even you would forgive yourself eventually for giving that up when, try as I might, I will never be able to give you the same thing.”

Jinyoung didn’t fight him, possibly already knowing that he was right. He and Jinyoung had something wonderful, but somewhere along the way other people had come into their lives and changed things, only it took some time for them both to realize it was for the better. It didn’t mean an end to them altogether; Jaebum would never allow Jinyoung to fall away from him completely. They were still going to be best friends, better now that they actually simply be friends without worry of hurting each other. They could get back to simply being there for one another while also having good healthy relationships outside of them.

They just held each other for a long time, taking silent comfort in one another. Jinyoung’s tears flowed for a long time, and though Jaebum would never admit it, he might have let his own silent tears go too. There was no hostility, no yelling or bitterness. How ever anticlimactic, it was peaceful and sad, but still good in that it almost felt as if they were finally cleansed of all the negativity and hurtful feelings.

Eventually, though, they had to pull away. Jinyoung wiped at his tears, sniffling a little and pulling the blanket up to wrap around him once more. After complaining about the sun being too bright for his current light sensitive eyes, the two made their way back inside, moving in no hurry back down the stairs.

“So, what about you then?” Jinyoung questioned, as they reached the floor above their own. “Is Jackson-hyung going to make you happy?” he asked seriously, almost heatedly, like an overprotective best friend rather than a jealous lover.

Jaebum paused for a moment on his current step, considering the question seriously and then unable to stop himself from smiling to himself. “Yeah, I think so,” he muttered, despite knowing that what he had with Jackson was still so new and nowhere near what Mark and Jinyoung had. But there was still hope, and for the first time in a long while Jaebum was excited to see what came next.

Jinyoung stared up at him where he too had paused a few steps below him. His gaze was contemplative. Jaebum raised a brow questioningly and Jinyoung only shook his head in response. “You know, you light up too with Jackson,” he said simply and Jaebum couldn’t help the blush the warmed his cheeks.

Jinyoung smiled softly, still a little sad but accepting, and didn’t bother making any other comment. Instead he shuffled his blanket around, bunching it together in one hand so it didn’t fall open but still freeing up his other arm. He reached out wordlessly and Jaebum didn’t hesitate to interlock their fingers, the two traveling the rest of the way back to their dorm hand in hand. They were still holding hands as they entered and were greeted by the younger boys.

“Hey, you’re back! Where did you go?” Youngjae asked loudly, getting up from the couch and taking a few steps towards the kitchen before stopping to wait for the others.

Mark immediately appeared from the kitchen at the sound of Youngjae’s loud greeting. He froze at the sight of their interlocked hands, a look of hollow dread on his face that he was trying to mask behind a calm exterior. Thankfully, Jinyoung didn’t allow his horrible face to linger long, quickly releasing Jaebum’s hand to move to Mark’s side. His arms hooked around the older boy’s waist and he pressed up fully into him, leaning in to press a kiss to his surprised lips. It was quick, but meaningful and almost sickeningly sweet, prompting BamBam to groan an excited “ew” loudly.

Mark looked back at Jaebum almost immediately after Jinyoung pulled away, looking for some form of confirmation from him before he truly allowed himself to be happy. Jaebum gave a small nod once, allowing a soft, albeit weak, accepting smile. Mark’s mouth opened slightly in surprise and Jaebum realized for the first time that Mark hadn’t really allowed himself to believe that he would actually be allowed to walk out of this mess with Jinyoung by his side. Guilt washed over him, not realizing once again just how much Mark had been suffering all this time, undoubtedly trying to remain strong when he was sure he was going to be heartbroken in the end. Once more Jaebum was assured that he had made the correct decision.

“I’m starving. Is the soup ready?” Jinyoung asked, hugging Mark’s waist still.

Mark blinked at him dumbly for a moment, still reeling a little, before he nodded. “Yeah, it’s ready.”

Jinyoung hummed pleasantly in response and then kissed him once more before pulling away and entering the kitchen with the younger boys. Jaebum could hear Youngjae asking his best friend what exactly was going on, sensing the change in the air as things got settled. Jaebum didn’t listen for the answer, focusing on Mark who stood immobile with a look of disbelief on his face.

“Is this for real?” the older boy asked hesitantly.

Jaebum nodded, stepping forward and clasping him on the shoulder affectionately. “Yeah, its real.”

Mark, a man of few words like himself, didn’t bother to try to say anything. Instead he just pulled him quickly into a tight hug, letting his actions express his gratitude and happiness. Jaebum didn’t hug back right away, surprise making him lock up for a moment before he thawed out enough to hug him back briefly. While and Mark were good friends, they were usually the hugging type of friends so it took a moment for them to get over the awkwardness and really sink into the comfort.

“I made hangover soup,” Mark muttered awkwardly as soon as they pulled away, gesturing towards the kitchen.

Jinyoung chose this moment too to poke his head out of the kitchen and call them in. Mark followed immediately, but Jaebum hesitated, stepping away instead of following. Jinyoung’s brow creased with concern. “You’re coming, right Hyung? You’re not going to leave?”

(“We’ll always be together, right Hyung? You won’t leave me?” he asked into the darkness, his voice so raw and broken.)

Jaebum shook his head and pulled his phone out of his pocket. “I’m going to give Jackson a call first, invite him over for soup. I’ll be in in just a moment,” he assured.

“You promise?” Jinyoung questioned in a small voice.

Jaebum nodded and gave a sincere smile. “I promise.”

 

 

_II_

(“Smile for the camera! You too, Jaebum, I raised you better,” Jaebum’s mother called from behind her camera. Jaebum fought the urge to roll his eyes but gave a small placating smile.

Jaebum and Jinyoung stood pressed closely together in their school uniforms, each with a bouquet of flowers in their hands and smiling for the picture. Their parents stood in front of them, beaming with pride to see both of their boys graduate high school, shouting excitedly behind their cameras. They took several of the same pictures, alternating very little in pose, before Jaebum started to get antsy.

“Mom, please, don’t you have enough pictures?” he complained, wanting to get away. He was starved and his parents had promised that they would all go out to eat afterwards to celebrate.

His mother sighed before reluctantly putting the camera down. “Alright, we can go now. I’m just so proud of you, I wanted to make sure I got plenty of photos,” she said, coming forward to hug her son tightly.

“I know, Mom, I’m just hungry,” Jaebum grumbled, but hugging back just as tight.

His mother nodded, holding back tears as she nodded and tried not to embarrass him more by actually shedding her tears. “Let’s go then.”

Jaebum went to follow her as their parents started ahead towards the cars, only to stop short when he felt a tug on his sleeve. He wheeled around, surprised to see the scared expression on Jinyoung’s face. His best friend was clutching his flowers so tightly his hands were almost entirely white, and his pale with suddenly very pale. Jaebum reached out to him automatically, wanting to quell whatever plagued him.

“Jinyoung, what’s wrong?” he questioned worriedly.

“Things won’t change, right? We are still going to stay together, right? You won’t leave me?” Jinyoung spit out rapidly.

Jaebum blinked in surprise, though he didn’t know why. Jinyoung was always nervous about the future, very much stuck in his ways and not wanting things to change. This wasn’t the first time Jinyoung had expressed a fear of losing Jaebum to changing adulthood. Jaebum, too, was scared in a way, his fear stemming from the fact that he was very much already in love with Jinyoung and he knew, eventually, Jinyoung would find someone that made him happy. Jaebum would lose Jinyoung eventually, and while it scared him in ways he didn’t even want to think about, he had already partially accepted it. Because he knew that while Jinyoung would eventually fall in love one day, it didn’t mean that they would have to stop being friends anymore. Jaebum knew they were in it for the long haul. A relationship like this just doesn’t get thrown away; you fight for it.

Jaebum pulled him into a tight hug, dropping his bouquet of flowers in the process, and ruining them, but unable to care. “I’m not going anywhere, Jinyoung, you know that.”

Jinyoung said nothing, just like he did so long ago when he first expressed his fear of change, back during that sleepover when they were so young. So Jaebum clutched him close, and repeated the promise he made that night. “Together forever, remember? One way or another,” he assured.

“You promise, Hyung?” Jinyoung asked, his words muffled by Jaebum’s uniform jacket.

“I promise.” And he meant it. One way or another, Jaebum was going to make sure Jinyoung was always in his life. And he would never dare break this promise.

 


End file.
